Lifesong

I'm running to Your arms

2012-01-03T21:44:00.004-06:00

I was watching Passion 2012 livestream today. Kristian Stanfill sang this song, Forever Reign. I had been wondering how I would title this post. His song gave me the title. And this one by him, Always.

I did see my Birmingham doctor for a follow-up after stopping the clinical trial. I also told him I had been having pain at the surgery site with referred pain to my ear and jaw. He said it could be from scar tissue but could also be a recurrence. He scheduled a CT scan and a biopsy for December 7 with the follow-up visit on December 13.

We didn’t get good news—at all. There is a large tumor at the base of my tongue in the same area as before. There is also a suspicious spot on my voice box just below that. The type of surgery to remove these places is extremely radical. We had a choice of choosing such a radical surgery that would be life altering in itself or choosing quality of life. We chose quality of life. He said there was the possibility of chemo that might shrink the tumors or finding pain management to deal with what I have. Dr. M referred to this cancer as islands. He said he and Dr. H have been removing islands, only for another island to pop up somewhere else.

This was my Max Lucado devotional just a few days before this appointment:

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you.” Isaiah 43:2-3 NASB

"God knows what is best. No struggle will come your way apart from his purpose, presence, and permission. What encouragement this brings! You are never the victim of nature or the prey of fate. Chance is eliminated. You are more than a weather vane whipped about by the winds of fortune. Would God truly abandon you to the whims of drug-crazed thieves, greedy corporate raiders, or evil leaders? Perish the thought!

We live beneath the protective palm of a sovereign King who superintends every circumstance of our lives and delights in doing us good.

Nothing comes your way that has not first passed through the filter of his love."

I was not totally surprised by anything the doctor told us. I had to ask myself and to God: “How do you want me to die?” As my daughter's pastor who has battled pancreatic cancer in the last 3 years said in one of his messages, “Cancer will never have the last word in my life. God will.” I believe that. I might die from an incurable cancer, but it will only be if and when God says so.

Today we met with my oncologist. He agreed that he probably would not choose the surgery either if it was him. The options of chemo: The first one he would choose would be hard on a healthy person. The second one wouldn’t be as hard but would still affect my quality of life. I chose no chemo. He said he could begin with pain management. I had hoped for a patch, but he said it wouldn’t work for me since I’m so thin. So he started me on another couple of prescriptions to try. He suggested we go ahead and establish a relationship with hospice. He wasn’t trying to imply anything by doing that but just knew they can already be helpful to my needs even at an early point. So the hospice organization we chose will be contacting us. I was so glad to know God had gone before us, everything went smoothly, and it was going to be okay. We as a family still have a lot to process, but God has clearly shown He will not leave us to flounder by ourselves. He will be with us every step of the way.

Tammy Trent's Twitter post tonight: "God has mapped out the path B4 U. He is fully aware of every detail & is committed 2 walk beside U as a guide & comforter so UR never alone"

The Story

2011-12-17T21:13:00.001-06:00

I got this CD set, The Story, and watching the live stream of the tour. Wow! A few of the songs' lyrics that really speak my heart:

The song of Moses, It Must Be You:

"If there’s anything good
Anything that’s good in me
Well, it must be You
Must be You
And if there’s any part of my shaking heart
To see this journey through
It must be You
It must be You
Must be You
It must be You"

David, Your Heart:

"At the end of the day, I wanna hear people say
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
Unashamed I will dance, In Your name, lift my hands
‘Til my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart"

And Job, Broken Praise:

"If this is where my story ends,

just give me one more breath to say
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah"

Contend for me

2011-12-02T00:11:00.001-06:00

LORD, you have seen this; do not be silent. Do not be far from me, Lord. Awake, and rise to my defense! Contend for me, my God and Lord. Psalm 35:22-23

Diary of a clinical trial

2011-11-11T21:50:00.000-06:00

Well, I began the clinical trial September 1. I stopped it on October 31. I went into this thinking I could do 12 months. It might get hard, but I could do it. None of the information I was given could have ever prepared me for the side effects I experienced. They pretty much sounded similar to what I had while on Erbitux for 3 years. Any others were manageable. After week one I started losing my hair by MANY strands at a time. That was unexpected so soon. Wasn't even listed as a top side effect. The other side effects were manageable, thankfully. By the end of September assorted rashes started. Rashes are a common side effect. I managed to get through the month okay.

As I got into October good, rashes of all sorts came up. Dry, VERY itchy, some painful, some with welps, some burn-like, some just a rash. I find out the research nurse is out on medical leave till mid November & my home onc wants to defer to B'ham so as not to compromise the study. I put up with this for various issues until the itching from the rashes became so overwhelming physically and mentally. I was on the verge of depression. I took the last pill on Monday, October 31. When I got up on Tuesday, November 1, I knew I could never take that drug again. Though I was greatly discouraged at this point God amazingly spoke to me over and over to not be discouraged but hold onto hope.

I texted my husband and told him why I was stopping. I told him there was no one to talk to about it. He asked for the contacts and phone numbers. By the time he got through with both places, things were hopping. My local dr. called and left a message for the research nurse. (The alternate had failed to return my husband's message.) The research nurse was on the phone to my husband within minutes and an email to me as well. To her credit she was checking my email updates at her home and assumed the alternate or my local dr. was helping. She told us to have my doctor do whatever I needed. Well, he already had. He thought I needed to be on an antibiotic rather than a steroid.

By Friday the rashes and the itching had subsided. However, I woke up with a very painful, burn-like rash on my inner thighs. There was no way I could wear pants. I used the aloe gel with Lidocaine that I used when on Erbitux plus Aquaphor around the area that was extremely dry. Finally, by Tuesday I could tell it was beginning to dry up and heal and wasn't as painful. Still not able to wear pants, though. I emailed a friend that has a vast wardrobe of skirts and asked her if I could borrow one to try to go to work on Wednesday. After she got off work, she brought me 10 skirts! Said it didn't even put a dent in her closet, lol. So with her help I was able to go to work on Wednesday and know I could work comfortably...and I did.

I had an already scheduled appointment on Thursday morning with my local oncologist. He and his assistant were shocked at the severity of my rash. I told them it was already a week old. He is keeping me on the antibiotic longer and prescribed a round of steroids. I will be going to B'ham on Tuesday, the 15th, for a check-up. He said they might suggest lowering the dose of the medication. I told him I didn't care what dose it might be, I wasn't taking it. Told him some lung cancer patients who have been on it see their tumors shrink. They endure the harsh side effects because of that hope they are given. I told him I didn't have that to look at. I have no idea if this medicine is helping me or not. He understood. He doesn't want to return to the Erbitux. He says there are still things he can do. It would be actual chemo, though. He wants me to discuss it with my B'ham doctor next Tuesday. Then I will see him after Thanksgiving to make a decision. For now that's how it stands. He said my hair should stop coming out when this drug is out of my system. My skin continues to be extremely dry and sensitive and peeling in the areas of the rashes. It will just take a little time to get over the side effects fully.

Reminder to self

2011-11-07T11:19:00.000-06:00

What Cancer Cannot Take From You

It cannot take away your Faith,

shatter your Hope,

or lessen your Love.

It cannot destroy true Friendship,

invade the Soul,

or take away Eternal Life.

It cannot conquer the Spirit.

Given to me by Jacob, 12-25-04

SHE-RO

2011-10-17T22:20:00.000-05:00

That's the name my high school prayer partners have given my daughter. That is a very applicable name for her. She has been a trooper this year in fighting breast cancer. She spent 8 months doing chemo. She then had breast surgery on Thursday. She is doing amazingly well after surgery. Her spirit of hope and victory is contagious to all who she touches/reaches. I spent several days with her and her family to help however I could during this time. She was doing so well that I got to come home today. I was listening to my iPod music coming home and this song came on. It took on a whole new meaning to me to hear Matthew West singing the words, "We are survivors!" Who would have ever dreamed we would both one day consider ourselves breast cancer survivors! But we are! We are!

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…” Ephesians 3:20 (NIV)

A new direction--breakthrough?

2011-09-06T22:17:00.000-05:00

When I saw the PA after my last surgery (July 1), she told me about a clinical trial the Head and Neck Division at UAB is doing with a medicine not ever used for head and neck cancer patients. It is for patients who have had recurring tumors and radiation is no longer an option. It is a pill, Tarceva, taken once a day for a year. I told her I'd like to talk it over with my local oncologist. I told her I was already on Erbitux, and she said he might not want me to change. The next Monday the research nurse called to ask me if I would be interested in being a part of the clinical trial. I told her I'd be seeing my oncologist in 2 weeks, and I'd like to talk it over with him. She said she would send me the information about it so I could look over it and share it with him.

I fully expected I'd be getting my Erbitux treatment when I saw him 2 weeks later. I gave the information to his assistant so he could look over it before seeing me. He was very much in favor of me doing the clinical trial. He has four lung cancer patients who have been using the drug long term. He knows all the doctors at UAB involved in the study. This clinical trial is Phase II of the study. He said that meant they had to have had positive findings in Phase I of the study to move on to Phase II. He encouraged me to participate. He said I could be on the breaking edge of something new. He said he would be glad to assist in whatever way he could.

I sent the papers and a note to the research nurse and she called me when she got them. She said I would have to come for an initial appointment to get set up and sign the papers with her. She said that since it was UAB's study, only they could monitor me. So she set me up for an appointment to see Dr. M again. We went to Birmingham on Tuesday, August 23. She said she had contacted my local oncologist, and he had sent a note agreeing for me to take this course of treatment.

I had the initial blood work and the chest x-ray, but they had to wait for one other report. When the dr. was examining my mouth he saw a small ulcer on the area that is now a part of my tongue. It was actually where my top molars were resting. I had not even noticed it. I was more concerned about what felt like a lump on the left side of my neck. So I was not expecting to hear that he wanted to do a biopsy on something in my mouth. I then told him about the lump on my neck. After examining me he told me it was not a lump or a lymph node but part of my neck's anatomy. The look on my face must have said, "You're going to have to do better than that." So he went and got a model of the neck to show me what I/he was feeling. He even had me feel the same area on his neck. I was then okay with what he was telling me...though the 'lump' has only gone down to feeling normal to me in the last day or two. Anyway, the nurse contacted me last Monday to let me know the biopsy was negative for cancer! Also, the blood work and chest x-ray were fine. So she would have the Tarceva pills in the mail to me.
I started the Tarceva on Thursday, September 1. On Sunday I had fatigue and was achy like when I had Erbitux treatments. The same kind of rash started on my face over the weekend, too. I am also using Nystatin for thrush in my mouth. I'm really thinking that is a reaction to the Tarceva though it is not a common side effect. So, hopefully, just things I've dealt with before.

I didn't know when I'd finish another post, but this devotional today about a breakthrough seemed most timely. I couldn't find a direct link to the devotional without posting the whole thing here and it's kinda long.

It used Isaiah 64:1 - "Oh, that You would rend the heavens! That You would come down! That the mountains might shake at Your Presence…" It included this part in a prayer from Carolyn Baker: Why is it, My Father, that so many people are presently sitting on the edge of a great victory – a great breakthrough - and don’t even know it? I suppose part of it is because You rarely do what we expect You to do – so we are not looking for it! Your victory often looks unlike what we thought it would. We are, as humans, skeptical all too often. This gives us a worldly mind set – not a heavenly mind-set. Therein lies our confusions. You are first in my life - and because of that, You have often rewarded me with a greater wisdom and understanding. All along my path You have shared your insights with me – continually reminding me that breakthrough was at hand.

Whether I 'deserve' it or not, He keeps reminding me :)

We can do it!

2011-08-18T23:50:00.001-05:00

I'm Gonna Love You Through It - Martina McBride

Listen and trust

2011-08-16T12:32:00.003-05:00

I've been following a CaringBridge.org blog for almost a year. It is about a young man that our family knows from homeschooling and church for most of his life. He no longer lives in our town but in North Carolina with his wife, Liz, and their two children, Sawyer and Bennett. His wife is the blogger. Here is her introduction to her blog and a link:

Brian Sanders: Brian is a devoted husband and loving father who became critically ill on September 18, 2010. He spent 52 days in ICU and 3 weeks in a rehab hospital in Charlotte before returning home, where he faces a long road to recovery. He is learning to cope with the loss of his vision, and continues to work to regain his memory. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/briansanders

It is heart wrenching at times to read about the hurdles they are trying to get across. However, Liz makes it clear where her strength and determination are based. She is an inspiration to me and, I'm sure, to all who follow this journey along with them.

Her post for August 13th was especially profound for me. Simple, yet so full of truth that I need to remember to apply to my own situations. I asked permission if I could share it with you, and she has graciously given her permission. I hope it blesses you as much as it has me. Please take time to follow the link to her blog posts over this past year, and pray for them as you feel led. Thank you.

Bennett turned one today. Our little guy certainly started his life under turbulent circumstances, but he is the poster-boy for the resiliency of young children. He is the picture of health and happiness. His smile lights up the room, his giggles melt away the stress of even the hardest days, and his slobbery kisses are pure sugar. Happy birthday, baby boy. Mommy and daddy love you up to the moon and back.

Brian sat next to Bennett’s highchair as Bennett enjoyed his very first taste of cake. He had a chocolate birthday cake with peanut butter frosting, and his sister was kind enough to “help” him eat it. Brian reached over to Bennett and smeared frosting on his face, so Sawyer and I dabbed a little frosting on Brian’s nose. Shortly thereafter, there sat both of my boys: side by side, faces kissed with frosting, grinning from ear to ear.

To start the day, Sawyer and I enjoyed a Saturday morning ritual: mommy/daughter breakfast at Chick-Fil-A. This tradition began over a year ago, when she was waking up at 5:30 or 6 each morning. I started taking her out to give Brian a chance to sleep later on Saturdays. Although we have clocked hundreds of hours at Chick-Fil-A over the years, today was a first: Sawyer got stuck at the top of the play place. There are different levels to climb on and tunnels to crawl through, many of which lead back to the entrance to an enclosed spiral slide. Once she climbed to the very top, she looked around and couldn’t figure out where to go next. Even when she sat on the edge of the platform, she couldn’t touch the next step with her toes. I tried to coax her down several times, but to no avail. It didn’t matter if the next step was only a few inches from her feet. She couldn’t see it, so she wasn’t jumping. It was a very long 10 minutes. Finally, she let out a big sigh and teared up. “Mommy, I’m afraid.”

I tried so hard to help her understand, but the more she fought my instructions the more anxious she became. I was asking her to drop down to a step she couldn’t see. Talk about a leap of faith! I took a deep breath, made eye contact with her, and simply said:

~Listen to my voice.~I know you’re scared, but I am here to help you.
~I can see where you are going, and where you will land.
~You just have to trust me.

Not long after that, I heard a very determined little voice say, “ok, mommy, I will”. And she did. She pushed off from the net, she slid down on her belly, and she dropped a few inches to the step below her. Success! She crawled through the tunnel, slid down the slide, and emerged from the tunnel slide ready to go again! (No ma’am! .... mommy needs a minute to recover before you can try that again...)

As I stood in the play area, it occurred to me that I am stuck, too. Maybe not at the top of the Chick-Fil-A play place, but certainly stuck in a place where I am scared. Stuck in a situation I can’t get out of. Stuck in a situation where I can’t see the next step, let alone the next 50 steps. And the harder I struggle to fix it on my own, the more frightened and alone I become. If I am quiet, and if I seek the Lord with all my heart, I will hear:

~Listen to my voice.
~I know you’re scared, but I am here to help you.
~I can see where you are going, and where you will land.
~You just have to trust me.

Trusting that He knows what is ahead is a difficult choice, but in this case it is the only thing that will work. I can’t do this on my own. I can’t figure my way out, I can’t search for an alternative exit, and I can’t have someone else do it for me. I just need to seek the Lord. Listen to His words. Trust that they are true. And be obedient.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

2 Corinthians 4:17

2011-07-24T11:19:00.004-05:00

Here is an excerpt from the April 2011 issue of Homelife. God had especially brought 2 Corinthians 4:17 to my attention a few days ago. Then I found this magazine today. I was reading it while waiting to be pre-admitted for my surgery in March (not knowing that that surgery would begin a chain of events for the next 4 months). I remembered I saved it for a reason. This is why:

     Since that fateful day in 2006, I've witnessed all of the good that has come of tragedy, and I'm beginning to recognize why it was necessary. The flashing sign INCLEMENT WEATHER. NO UNNECESSARY TRAVEL was not a word of admonition; it was a word of instruction. God was teaching me His wisdom for living the Christian life. I cracked the code: Trials are necessary to accomplish God's higher purposes. This is for my good and His glory.
     Although these days the world appears to be out of control and seems utterly chaotic, know that there is a God with a perfect order to things, a God who does everything out of love to produce something better in us. The pain we experience is the principle consequence of living in a fallen and flawed world. But God's redemptive promise is that, one day, He will remove evil and suffering from this world, after accomplishing a greater, eternal good.
     The Bible tells us in Matthew 5:45 that God causes His sunlight to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. Regardless of the climate today or the forecast tomorrow. keep the faith. Muster the strength to pray:
     Dear God, whether or not You choose to change my circumstances, I will trust in You still. And Lord, whether or not You call on me to suffer a little longer, I will worship You even still, for You embodied 'suffering well' for my sake. Either way, Lord, I know that You are in control. Not my will, but Yours be done. In Jesus' name, Amen.
     Perhaps you're currently facing the buffeting tempests of a job loss, a financial crisis, a startling medical diagnosis, or personal tragedy. As believers, we don't have to linger in the dark storms of life, waiting for the ominous shadows to pass. We walk in the assurance of God's redemptive plan because we're covered by the ultimate umbrella of protection: Jesus Christ. Second Corinthians 4:17 reminds us, "For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory."
     Whether you're grieving a natural disaster, mourning our disordered universe, or weeping over misfortunes of your own making, don't allow your current trial to blot out the light. Look toward the Son, and you will find refuge in Christ alone during life's fiercest storms.
Weathering the Storms of Life - Casey Ewen Avenriep (Read her full personal story here.)

Still My God

Courage

2011-07-18T22:40:00.000-05:00

Please read the latest post written by my daughter on her blog: Finishing

God never ceases to amaze me at the ways He lets us know He's there.

Good report

2011-07-07T20:57:00.001-05:00

I am so glad to be able to share that we got a good report today. My surgeon had told us that he would be on vacation this week, and I would see his physician's assistant. She was able to tell us that the biopsies from surgery last week all came back with clean margins. No cancer found! We were so relieved and so thankful. I've learned to not put God in a box. I wanted to believe we'd get the good news. I also know that we didn't hear what we expected after my last two surgeries. I know God can do whatever He wants to do, and He will always be faithful through the circumstances. We are so thankful He chose to give us good news today! Since the report was good I was released from this surgeon. I'll soon make an appointment to see my primary surgeon in Birmingham in the next few months. Though I will still be making trips to Birmingham, it is "back to normal". Normal in this context is a good thing :)

Edited to add: It's Scary to Be Us - Beth Moore

Step by Step

2011-07-02T16:38:00.007-05:00

Oh, God, You are my God, and I will ever praise You,
Oh, God, You are my God, and I will ever praise You.
I will seek You in the morning, and I will learn to walk in Your ways,
And step by step You'll lead me, and I will follow You all of my days.
"Sometimes by Step" by Rich Mullins
Sung by Brooke Fraser Ligertwood

We just got home from Birmingham. This was one of the songs I listened to on our way back. Brooke Fraser songs just lift my spirit at just the right moment.

Surgery went well. I was told to be at the hospital at 8:00 a.m. on Friday morning. My surgery was about 12-12:30. Don't know exactly when. I just know I was present in the operating room before it started ;) Recovery wasn't a great experience due to a not so attentive nurse. I'll just leave it at that. (I didn't have to have a feeding tube this time. I know pain meds will be my friend for the next few days, though.)

The Dynasplint did its work once again. The doctor basically did the very same surgery as before to get deeper margins all around this time. They weren't able to do a quick test in surgery. I still have inflamed tissue that needs to fully heal from the surgery on May 27th, and the results of a quick test wouldn't have been reliable.

I should, hopefully, find out the results of the pathology report on Thursday when we go back to Birmingham for my follow-up appointment. Please pray that we get a good report. The doctor said he felt good about the surgery, but he's now done everything he can do robotically.

This was my devotional from Jesus Calling on Monday: "Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey. I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn't bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you.
I am with you, watching over you wherever you go. Psalm 143:8; Genesis 28:15

One thing I do know. My God is sovereign.

No Matter What

2011-06-04T17:39:00.002-05:00

Well recovery has been a challenge. My body seemed to majorly rebel at being on a completely liquid diet. The fact that the antibiotic prescribed for me when I left the hospital was way too strong for me sure didn’t help. After just 3 doses, I knew I was going to have to worry about becoming dehydrated whether on a feeding tube or not. I stopped the antibiotic but dealt with the after effects for a couple of days. About the time that was starting to get better, I realized I had thrush in my mouth. The body was telling me to never take that particular antibiotic again! Tylenol continued to be helpful in keeping any pain under control but my mouth was very sore from the thrush.

We went back to Birmingham on Thursday for my follow-up appointment. My doctor had some not so good news. During surgery the pathologist had checked the borders the doctor removed and all seemed clear. However, when they did the more concise dissection of the tumor after surgery there were some cancer cells at the very bottom of the tumor. The doctor said we could trust the quick test done during surgery or he could go back in and remove another layer from the base to make sure no cells were left. He left the choice up to me. Of course, I told him I wanted to make sure there was none left. He said he was glad I made that decision because he could do it July 1. He wants me to have time to heal from the surgery I just had, and he will do it robotically again. I will have to use the Dynasplint again. By not eating by mouth for a week and with the tube hindering what I could get to my mouth, my jaw has gotten tight again. Actually, tighter than it was when I first started using the splint. I started back today with a lesser tension and only 2 minutes. I will have more time to build up gradually this time. The doctor also prescribed medication to stop the bad effects of the antibiotic on my body.

So on June 30th we will go back to Birmingham to let him do this procedure on July 1. (We said he really must like doing surgery on holiday weekends!) The nice thing about this time is I won’t have to have a feeding tube. He said I probably didn’t need it the first time as he was going by his experience with other patients. The speech pathologist actually came in the afternoon after my surgery and did a swallow test with water. She said I did very well. My doctor said I’ve probably learned to adapt well to changes in my mouth because of my previous oral surgeries. That may be so, but right now I’m ready for my mouth to not be sore and my jaw to loosen up so it’s not a chore to eat. I hope that my mouth will soon feel better from the thrush and the Dyansplint will again do its job!

Here’s a song I listened to on our trip to see my primary Birmingham doctor in March. I thought it was right on. Little did I know how right on it was until we were on our way home with a big decision to make. I had a lot of questions running through my mind, but the words that stopped the questions I had no answers for were “I trust You”…no matter what.

Singing His praises

2011-05-28T21:13:00.000-05:00

Well, if I COULD sing His praises I would, but I'm singing them in my heart! It's hard to explain how God has gone above and beyond to meet my needs. I don't know why that would be so hard. I mean He is God, and He can do whatever He wants to do. I'm just thankful He's choosing to bless me and our family!

It was amazing the total peace I had throughout the day on Thursday as we prepared to travel to Birmingham and made the trip, getting there about 7:00 p.m. I was amazed at the total peace I had as we got up at 4:30 a.m. on Friday morning to be at the hospital at 5:00. I was amazed at the total peace I had as they got me ready in pre-op and waited for them to take me back. I was amazed at the total peace I had as they wheeled me into the operating room and they prepared me even more. I just knew that when I woke up, whatever the outcome, God was in control. Whether I was able to have robotic surgery Friday morning or had to schedule the more difficult surgery for another day. How happy I was to wake up in recovery and realize I was in recovery because I had just had surgery!!! When I was able to see my husband, he was able to tell me the details. The hard work with the Dynasplint had worked. The doctor said I had gained probably 9mm in range of motion for my mouth. He said that made all the difference in being able to do the robotic surgery successfully. (Of course, I know it was the tons of prayers going up on my behalf as well to make it possible!) He told John that when he cut into my tongue he was able to see the tumor and remove it. The borders he got in the OR were clean. It sounded like when my other doctor has removed tumors from my neck. It was under the surface.

I did have to come home with a nasal feeding tube. My doctor said he didn't want to take a chance that it would be too painful to swallow, and I would become dehydrated. So I'm up to 4 Boosts plus water and the goal is 6 Boosts plus water. Not to mention the meds I will be crushing to go down via feeding tube. Thank goodness for liquid Tylenol which is easy to push through the tube. Oh, that's another praise. I have very little pain and Tylenol helps with that. Because there is still swelling in my throat, it is still difficult to swallow by mouth very well. Hopefully, that will improve in a couple of days. I'm free to drink liquids, milkshakes or have ice cream when I feel up to it. We're supposed to go back Thursday and will most likely have the tube removed then.

I can't begin to express the amount of thanks to all of you who have been prayer warriors for us through this. All I can say is: Prayer Works!! and God Is Good...All the Time!!

I will keep you posted as I progress. Just so grateful to share this huge praise and answered prayer! It's good to be home. I'm sure I will have to find the right position for sleeping comfortably for the next week, but I'm sure Ambien will help :)

Here we go

2011-05-26T00:50:00.002-05:00

Ok, I'm way late getting to bed and may not have a chance to post before we leave later today, much later today...being as the day has actually just started. We'll leave this afternoon for Birmingham. The doctor's office is supposed to call some time today to let us know what time we have to be a UAB Friday morning. I've faithfully been using the Dynasplint and have worked up to 30 minutes for each session. Today will give me 3 days of 3 sessions at 30 minutes each. The measurement of how far my mouth could open was 22 mm last Wednesday at the fitting. Tonight it is at 29mm. I have a LOT of people praying for me to have a BIG mouth on Friday so the dr. will be successful with the robotic surgery. I sure don't want to be awakened and be told to go home for surgery at a later date. Yes, with God all things are possible. God just keeps showing how BIG He really is and can be! He's so amazing! This was a nice short but concise verse in one of my devotional emails today. I think I'll hang onto it: "Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him." Psalm 91:14a I would love be that Servant that holds fast to God in determined love and receive the promise of his deliverance in this present circumstance. I hope to bring good tidings in a few day. Thank you for going with us in spirit and prayer and just hanging with us.

This show is on the road

2011-05-17T23:16:00.001-05:00

I called my Birmingham dr's office and my oncologist's office yesterday. Both of their assistants called me back asking, "What's going on?" Neither had gotten any reports from MD Anderson. I faxed them the PET & CT reports, the radiation oncologist report, and the nurse's telephone report from Friday. Within 30 minutes the nurse from Birmingham called to tell me she had gotten me an appointment with the robotic surgery doctor at 2:00 for today. Would I be able to come? I said "Absolutely!" The other assistant called to say that my oncologist wants me to see the new surgeon before seeing him. Ok, that's what I'm talkin' about!

Today was amazing! We got good news from the new doctor, Dr. M. He has scheduled the robotic surgery for next Friday, May 27. He at first said it would probably take a few weeks. He said he'd have to check his surgery schedule. Then he came back in and said, "I hope you don't have big plans for Memorial Day weekend because I can do it next Friday, the 27th". We said, "DO IT!" He said he will attempt to do it. My mouth doesn't open as wide as optimally needed. He said if he can't get all the instruments in my mouth, I will just wake up without surgery. I will get a device, a Dynasplint, tomorrow that will help stretch my jaws so that, hopefully, by next week my mouth will open wider. I'm supposed to use it 3 times a day starting out at about 5-6 minutes each time. I'm to increase my time every day by 1 minute each time. The doctor said he thinks there's a 60% chance he can do it. But with God all things are possible!! And as a friend pointed out, that's 100%! He said I will have a feeding tube through my nose for 1-2 weeks because my throat will be so sore I won't be able to swallow.

The alternative surgery would be so much more involved and with a feeding tube for about a month. God has orchestrated everything so far, I'm trusting He makes this possible, 100%! Prayer works!!

And may I just add: To God be the glory! It's all in His timing.

Hurry up and wait

2011-05-13T22:08:00.003-05:00

If you've been checking back here to see what we found out on Tuesday, sorry for the wait. We finally heard back from MD Anderson today at 4:30. After we didn't get the call on Tuesday...or Wednesday, I called the doctor's office yesterday morning. I was told the dr. was in surgery, and they'd get a note to him and his nurse. She called today around 1:30. She had no idea why she was calling me back. After I explained, she said they were in clinicals and would call back when finished. I asked her what time that might be, and she said about 2:30. She called back at 4:30. She basically told me everything we already know. The radiation oncologist concluded I can't have anymore radiation. She did tell me that the medical oncologist relayed information to my oral surgeon in Birmingham and my oncologist here about induction chemo before surgery to reduce the tumor. She said that Dr. H recommended the dr. at UAB for robotics surgery. She then asked me if I was interested in robotics surgery! Um, that's why we were referred to MDA! So it looks like I'll be calling my dr. in Birmingham on Monday to get him to make an appt. with the dr. at UAB. Also, I'll be calling my medical oncologist to get an appt. to see what he thinks about the possibility of chemo before surgery. It better be good! I'm not crazy about spending weeks with chemo to "see if it works" when the tumor could continue to grow. I'm ready for surgery. It has gotten more painful. Feels like a sore throat all the time. It has already been 4 weeks since I saw my B'ham dr. Sure thought we'd be closer to being finished by now!

Tony Evans' post on Twitter this morning was timely and comforting: "When God is silent, He is not still." Also, on Tuesday, the reading from Max Lucado's new devotional, Live Loved. It was entitled, "Problems Have a Purpose". Trust me in your times of trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory. Psalm 50:15 NLT. He ended the devotional with these words: "Your pain has a purpose. Your problems, struggles, heartaches, and hassles cooperate toward one end--the glory of God" (from It's Not About Me). It's also been good to reread a book a friend gave me two years ago, A Reason for Hope--Gaining Strength for Your Fight Against Cancer by Michael S. Barry. And this from last Saturday in Jesus Calling, "Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way. Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done. Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day. Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter. (Genesis 50:20 NASB; Psalm 23:4)

God is good...ALL the time!

We're home

2011-05-06T13:38:00.002-05:00

It has been a long week. We left on Monday for MD Anderson, Houston and drove ALL day. Don't think we'll ever do that again. We got back yesterday about 4:00 p.m. after seeing doctors and having tests on Tuesday and Wednesday. One definite thing I've learned this week. Three doctors I consulted with agree with the doctors I already have. My doctor in Birmingham told me a year ago that I'm what they call an enigma. Well, they didn't say it in his words but basically said the same thing: enigma - something hard to understand or explain, a mystery, one that is puzzling, ambiguous, inexplicable.

On Tuesday we saw the main doctor/surgeon of the team, Dr. H. Instead of a physician's assistant coming in and taking down information for the doctor, a doctor teamed with the main doctor does that. He was young, asked a lot of questions about my history. He used a scope to do a laryngoscopy. It's a flexible scope that is inserted through the nose. He was able to examine my throat and tongue more clearly. He also examined my mouth well and felt the place where the 'bump' is. He left and said he would be back with Dr. H. In a few minutes the assisting doctor came back in with Dr. H. Dr. H also introduced me to a young doctor from China that would be observing. Everyone was so very nice. Dr. H went over my history as well asking more questions and allowing us to ask questions or comment. He too used the scope to examine my throat and tongue. Dr. H discussed surgery and treatment options. Robotics surgery is in question as my mouth may not open wide enough due to surgeries and scar tissue. He said the instruments are bulky. He highly recommended the surgeon at UAB that my Birmingham surgeon had mentioned. Dr. H said he was the best to do the type of robotic surgery I would need. That was good to hear. He said he would have to wait for test results and meeting with the other doctors to determine the best course of action. He said he would be out of town on Friday and in surgery on Monday. We would hear from him or his office on Tuesday. Then I went and had blood drawn for blood work. The last thing on my schedule for Tuesday was the PET scan. Since I could not eat 6 hours prior to that test, we headed out to find a place for lunch when I was finished.

On Wednesday morning my first appointment was with a radiation oncologist, Dr. G. He was young and very attentive as well. He also went over my history thoroughly and used the scope as well. At Dr. H's request on Tuesday we had called my home radiation onc's office and had them fax my records of previous radiation treatments. Dr. G was glad to have those in hand. After discussing the amount of radiation I had previously had, he concluded that it would not be a safe option to include radiation in this plan. There were nerves involved. It was risky and dangerous and might create life threatening physical issues. He had already had a look at the PET scan and pulled it up on the computer for us to see. We were taken aback as to how large an area was highlighted in the PET. Thankfully, there is no metastasis to any other area in my body.

Next we saw the medical oncologist, Dr. L. A doctor, referring to himself as a fellow with other hospitals, was assisting Dr. L. He asked a lot of questions about my history, taking very extensive notes. He said he would relay the information to Dr. L and they would be back in to see me. When Dr. L came in, he also went over my history. He was a kind, straight-forward doctor. He explained that chemotherapy was not advantageous with this type of cancer unless it had metastasized to another organ. My oral surgeon and med onc in Alabama had basically told me the same thing. Once the tumor is removed through surgery, there is nothing there to gauge whether a chemo is being effective. Medical Oncologists don't want to exhaust their 'big guns' if they should need a base to start from for treating metastatic cancer to major organs. Dr. L said he doesn't see cases like mine. I have been dealing with this type of cancer since 2004. The metastasis has remained in the general area of the primary tongue cancer - oral and neck - without spreading to a major organ. He said most SCC patients have had a metastasis to a major organ within 2 years of a primary and do not live far beyond this point. He had pages sent out to Dr. H and Dr. G. He got the call from Dr. G first and came back in to confirm that radiation wasn't a viable option. He said robotics surgery was questionable and the other surgical option would probably require a skin flap to my neck because of the previous radiation effects. Then he got the call from Dr. H.
As he left the room to take the call, we were left to think on all he had just told us. Rads not possible, chemo not an option, difficult future surgery, and basically, it's a miracle I'm still alive. There was a sign above the sink I had seen in the other doctors' offices that stressed the importance of washing hands before and after examining a patient. In the center of the sign was a set of open hands/palms. Across the palms were the words: It's in your hands. When I looked up and saw these words after Dr. L walked out, they jumped out at me. They immediately read to me as referring to the hands of God: It's in Your hands, without even a thought to any other meaning and said to myself, "Yes, it's in Your hands, God." I pointed it out to John, too, hoping it might comfort him as well.
Dr. L came back into the room and told us that he and Dr. H had looked at the PET scan. It was Dr. H's consensus to try chemo before surgery to see if it was effective in shrinking the tumor. Dr. L concurred that would be a good course of action. He said he could communicate with my medical onc in Alabama to get that set up. He said that the team of doctors would meet at 5:00 p.m. on Thursday to discuss my case and go over test results.

From there we rushed over to my third appointment with the dental oncologist. She, too, discussed my history and then thoroughly examined my mouth. She said my mouth looked healthy and to continue the good care. She prescribed a toothpaste with extra fluoride. Radiation to the mouth causes xerostomia - dry mouth. This can cause increased tooth decay. She also measured the space of my opened mouth as far as I can open it. She suggested I do stretching exercises to enable my mouth to open wider. From there I went straight for my CT scan. I was called back quickly but ended up waiting nearly 1 1/2 hours for the scan. The scanner in emergency was down and all emergency patients were being sent to this department as well.

Now we wait to hear back from Dr. H's office on Tuesday to know what the plan will be. We're both thinking I will be given an appointment with the robotics surgeon in Birmingham to see if he thinks I'm a candidate for this type surgery. Also, if chemo is an option, I will have to meet with my local medical oncologist.

Here are some verses that I thought quite timely as I was catching up on Twitter posts last night:

The LORD is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble; And He knows those who trust in Him. Nahum 1:7 NKJV

Keep me safe, O God, I've run for dear life to you. I say to God, "Be my Lord!" Without you, nothing makes sense. Psalm 16:1 The Message

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6 NASB

Of His Choosing

2011-05-01T14:53:00.000-05:00

From Jesus Calling, May 1: "You are on the path of My choosing. There is no randomness about your life. Here and Now comprise the coordinates of your daily life...Every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a life of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. Thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk along the Path of Peace." Based on Luke 12:25-26; Luke 1:79

A New Adventure

2011-04-30T21:31:00.001-05:00

This present journey we are walking began in 2004. We've made many trips to and from Birmingham in the last seven years. After this last diagnosis a couple of weeks ago, we'll be starting a new adventure.

After seeing my surgeon in Birmingham on Monday, April 11, his office contacted MD Anderson in Houston to refer me as a patient. I received a call from Rochelle, my Patient Access Specialist on Thursday. She let me know that they had received the information from Birmingham, and I had to be medically accepted. A team of doctors would review my records to make that determination. She called again on Monday morning to let me know that I had been medically accepted by Dr. Hanna. She said he would be out the next week, and she would call me when she had the appointments. She called me back on Wednesday, April 20th to tell me that we were to be at MD Anderson on Tuesday, May 3, at 7:00 a.m. to sign-in at New Patient Registration. My appointment with Dr. Hanna would be at 8:00. She said that he also wanted me to have a PET scan which would be at 10:00 and a head and neck CT scan at 2:30 p.m. on Wednesday, May 4. She said he also wanted me to see 3 oncologists, and she would call me when she got those appointments set up. I later learned that I will see a radiation oncologist on Wednesday at 9:00, a medical oncologist at 11:00, and a dental oncologist at 1:00. We will have 2 full days of appointments. Unless they schedule another one, we'll be free to head for Alabama on Wednesday afternoon. This visit will be just for consults and tests. We're hoping to hear that I am a candidate for the robotics surgery and a surgery date can be scheduled.

On our drive home from my doctor's visit on April 11, there was some stress about the cost of going to Texas. I chose not to discuss it and said that God would provide. On Tuesday of this week I read a simple post by Tony Evans: "Jehovah Jireh - God's Provision Shall Be Seen." God's provision HAS BEEN SEEN every day since Tuesday! Today my Heartlight verse on my computer desktop read: "And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19. God isn't just meeting our needs financially but through the prayers of SO many people for every little detail of this trip and all it entails. I am beyond words at how God has proven Himself faithful and true to His name. I am humbled and in awe that He chooses to manifest Himself so mightily on my(our) behalf.

*The initial post was edited to allow for adjustments in my memory :)

Living With Cancer

2011-04-11T19:34:00.000-05:00

That phrase is something I’ve had to accept as a part of my life.
I had a biopsy in December of a bump on the very back of my tongue. My dr. in Birmingham thought it was probably scar tissue but did the biopsy. We were thankful the results came back as inflamed tissue. The bump got bigger and continued to bother me, though. So, when we went for my regular routine appointment in March, I requested that he take it out. I just didn’t feel comfortable leaving it there to possibly get even bigger and be more invasive if it HAD to be removed later. He completely understood, said he trusted me, and we set up a time for surgery. I had the surgery on March 29. He said it wasn’t something he could do in his office so it was set up as outpatient. We were at the hospital at 9:00 that morning, but it was nearly 3:00 that afternoon before they got to me. I ended up staying overnight in the hospital and coming home the next morning.

We went back for my follow-up today. My dr. is always thorough and so he was with this surgery. A larger area to heal and some stitches, too. He said I am healing well. The pathology report showed…everything fine… Actually, that’s what we were thinking/hoping he’d say. He said it was cancer. Then he said we had two options. He could do another invasive surgery like I had in my mouth two years ago. It would require cutting my neck, getting a free flap from my leg, and the same process as before. Second option would be to see if I’m a candidate for the da Vinci Surgical System, which is a robotic surgery. It would be way less invasive and less healing time. He said they only do it at MD Anderson in Houston and UAB in Birmingham. After going over the options with him, he told us to talk it over on our way home, which is a 3½ hour drive. He was pretty insistent that we call his office with our decision when we got back home. After talking, we decided to let him arrange for a consultation at MD Anderson. I called his office, and we will wait to hear back from him. Living With Cancer remains a part of life for now.

My sweet, amazing daughter is coming to terms with this phrase, too. (You can read about her journey here.) Hearing those words cancer, malignant, carcinoma—and they apply to you—is terribly difficult. Not to mention the toll it takes on your family as they come to the reality that they too are a part of your journey. I could say she never dreamed to be on this road she’s walking. However, I think God saw fit to allow her to anticipate that this would some day be her journey. That, in itself, is amazing!

Last week I was reading a passage in a devotional book by John Piper,
Life As a Vapor. The passage was based on 2 Chronicles 30:1-12. He noted that in the verses the obedience of the people was based on a condition they must meet. Also, the obedience was a work of God that He produced in their hearts. He enabled them to meet the condition which would result in obedience. Piper said the Bible teaches two things: Many of the blessings of God are conditional upon our response of faith AND God Himself ultimately enables that response of faith and obedience.

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21;
“The LORD Almighty has sworn, “Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will happen.” Isaiah 14:24;
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28;
“…for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.” Philippians 2:13
(Verses added by me.)

Living With Cancer. It is not within ourselves to muster up the faith it takes to live that life day by day. We do not have the will to do it. God said in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. As much as we think we can plan our life, God is the One who does the planning. Does it sound like cancer is a way to prosper me and not harm me? God says so. He made me in the first place. He chose for me to survive being born 2 months prematurely over 58 years ago…and he chose for cancer to be a part of my life…for His purposes. Part of those plans is to give me hope and a future. My hope is in Him, and He is ever faithful. A future, yes, I have a future. My future is not here. My life on this earth is limited, cancer or not. My future rests in spending eternity with Him one day. That future is based on the redeeming work of the Lord Jesus Christ that is summed up in this simple verse, John 3:16. Also, this one where my pastor preached from Sunday: "Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.” John 5:24.

And this. I recently heard a message from my daughter’s pastor who is also dealing with cancer. He said, “Cancer will never have the last word in my life. God will.”

Snippets

2011-02-15T20:38:00.001-06:00

"Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the LORD your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you in the way you should go." Isaiah 48:17 ESV
No event in your life is a mistake. I will use every circumstance to enrich your ministry and perfect your soul. (The Come Away My Beloved Devotional Book, Frances J. Roberts)

This was a little devotional that was shared with me today by a friend before my daughter's follow-up appointment. She got good news. The cancer is only in her breast, stage 1-2a. It is hormone receptor positive. The BRCA test for the hereditary gene was negative. It is easily treated with chemo. She will see the medical oncologist next Thursday. They will do chemo and see how the cancer responds to that before doing surgery. She said she will probably be a part of a clinical trial. They will use the same drugs, just different timing/variations. So I guess she will find out the schedule for chemo next week when she sees the oncologist.

Here is another "snippet" that God gave me on Sunday from a speaker at a women's conference I was attending. The speaker had been talking this weekend about us having a specific, personal assignment/agenda from God. Sunday her title was Broken Pieces. She said any assignment from God comes with resources from heaven, & we have full power with authority from heaven to fulfill that assignment. At the end of the session she lifted a necklace to show us. She said it was a Sea Jewel. It is broken glass that has been worn smooth by the sea or a body of water by the natural tumbling action of the tides, the waves, and the sand. Here is a paraphrase as I put the notes together of what she said: "God wants to make a sea jewel from breast cancer with the Living Water. Take God's assignment. It will come with authority to help others who will face this."

As I have been amazed at the ways God shows Himself through my circumstances, so have she and I as she embarks on this journey He has ordained for her to take with Him!

When the storms of life hit...

2011-01-31T22:35:00.002-06:00

Dr. Tony Evans, Weekly Devotional, January 31, 2011:

When the storms of life hit, we are often tempted to run for cover. When they continue indefinitely, we struggle to find encouragement. When the rain and the wind gather strength until they turn into what seems to be a hurricane, we find ourselves saying, “I can’t do this any longer,” The truth is this: we can’t, but God can.

He is the only One who can help us victoriously fight through the battles of life. Nothing can provide the type of strength that He provides, especially when we feel overwhelmed and discouraged. He stands beside us, and He never retreats.

Daniel never worried about being cast into the lion’s den. He knew that the Lord would provide the help and protection he needed to make it through the night. Some of the people who read these words are fighting a battle with a life-threatening disease. It is an unseen enemy from a human standpoint but not from God’s. He knows exactly what we are facing and how it is affecting our lives.

There is an incredible sense of peace that comes from learning how to rest in the Lord and allow Him to take care of your troubles. This does not mean that you abandon the fight and just give up trying. It means that you shift the focus of your effort from yourself to God. This is where the true victory is gained.

The apostle Paul faced many life-threatening situations. At one point, he debated whether it was better to ask God to allow him to go home to heaven where he would have unending peace and glory in the presence of Christ or to continue living the earthly life God had given him. Paul chose the latter. As much as he longed to see the Lord in heaven, he loved having the opportunity here to tell others about God’s unending, unconditional love and forgiveness.

The suffering you face today is directly related to the joy you will experience in the future.

I Will Exalt You

2011-01-28T00:28:00.002-06:00

Today has been a difficult day. My 36 year old daughter found out she has breast cancer. She went for her routine yearly female checkup last Thursday. She had noticed the lump for a couple of months but knew she was going to the doctor anyway. They did a mammogram, then sent her for an ultrasound, then sent her for a needle biopsy. She just got the results this afternoon at her appointment. She will have more tests next week: chest x-ray, MRI, bone scan, nuclear medicine for her heart (MUGA) to see if it's strong enough for her to have chemo, and more blood work. We are devastated but walking in the peace of God that he has showered over us. I know this is totally treatable. The hard part is doing what needs to be done while she still has children to raise. When I got in the car last Friday morning, I had a CD in the player that I had already been listening to. This was the song that came on immediately, and I've been listening to it over and over:

I Will Exalt You

(Brooke Ligertwood)

I will exalt You,

You are my God.

My hiding place, my safe refuge,

My treasure, Lord, You are;

My friend and King

Anointed One, most holy.

Because You're with me,

I will not fear.

My hiding place, my safe refuge,

My treasure, Lord, You are;

My friend and King,

Anointed One, most holy.

I will exalt You,

You are my God.

My treasure, You are

2011-01-24T21:20:00.000-06:00

Interesting

2011-01-07T00:26:00.000-06:00

Came across this article today (Estrogen May Play Role in Rising Rates of Head, Neck Cancer) and found it quite interesting considering my cancer history. The breast cancer I had in 2000 was estrogen receptive. I had been diagnosed with the pre-cancerous lesions, leukoplakia, on my tongue in 1995. It sounds like the article is saying that they already know that estrogen can be a factor for changes in the lungs when smoking has been a factor resulting in lung cancer. So now they are looking into the changes estrogen may cause for some with pre-cancerous cells that result in oral, head, & neck cancer as well. They have seen when the enzyme, CYP1B1, is targeted and slowed down it could help prevent lesions from progressing. This would be a wonderful finding to prevent further progression into O,H,&N cancer. Cancer research is alive and well!!

Don't waste your time...

2010-12-11T19:46:00.000-06:00

"Don't waste your time on trying to figure out how God's going to do it. Don't waste your time on trying to figure out when God's going to do it. Don't waste your time on trying to figure out where's God's going to do it. God is the great unfigure-outable God. Just trust Him when He says He's going to do it that He's going to do it." Tony Evans

Very good checkup

2010-09-17T23:52:00.001-05:00

We went to Birmingham yesterday for a scheduled checkup with my surgeon. He said my mouth looked better than it had looked in a long time. I had not found any lumps in my neck, and he didn't find any when he checked, so all was good. He had looked at the CD I brought with me of the MRI I had in June. He had already seen the report and just confirmed the CD showed nothing to be concerned about. He, of course, advised that I continue the monthly Erbitux, and then he cut me loose for 6 months. It had already been 5 months since my last surgery. Another 6 months before I have to see him again will be wonderful. God is faithful, and He is blessing!!

Yes, God listens

2010-09-14T21:24:00.000-05:00

"I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray." Psalm 17:6 (NLT)

Do not rush God

2010-08-30T23:49:00.000-05:00

"Wait on God’s plan to unfold. Then you will know He did it and you were part of His bigger plan."
"Do not rush God. He can be trusted. What He says, He will do. He will accomplish His will, His way—in His time."
Read the full article at Wisdom Hunters.

Shaylynn's story

2010-08-22T22:26:00.000-05:00

I wanted to share the story of a young woman, Shaylynn, that I have met through an OCF email newsletter that featured her story. Shaylynn's story is featured in the lasted edition of Denistry IQ. Please check it out here. She is inspiring in her quest to bring awareness about oral cancer.

His Glory Appears--Brooke Fraser w/Hillsong

2010-08-21T19:58:00.002-05:00

Waiting for Him

2010-08-11T21:47:00.000-05:00

"Oh, that You would rend the heavens! That You would come down! That the mountains might shake at Your Presence – as fire burns brushwood, as fire causes water to boil – to make Your Name known to Your adversaries, that the nations may tremble at Your Presence! When You did awesome things for which we did not look, You came down, the mountains shook at Your Presence. For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, who acts for the one who waits for Him." Isaiah 64:1-4

CS Lewis Song by Brooke Fraser

2010-07-21T00:03:00.001-05:00

Life is a journey

2010-07-20T09:30:00.000-05:00

“Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God.” 1 Peter 1:17, The Message

God understands our sighs

2010-07-19T20:00:00.010-05:00

When God Sighed
by Max Lucado

Two days ago I read a word in the Bible that has since taken up residence in my heart.

To be honest, I didn’t quite know what to do with it. It’s only one word, and not a very big one at that. When I ran across the word, (which, by the way, is exactly what happened; I was running through the passage and this word came out of nowhere and bounced me like a speed bump) I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t have any hook to hang it on or category to file it under.

It was an enigmatic word in an enigmatic passage. But now, forty-eight hours later, I have found a place for it, a place all its own. My, what a word it is. Don’t read it unless you don’t mind changing your mind, because this little word might move your spiritual furniture around a bit.

Look at the passage with me.

Then Jesus left the vicinity of Tyre and went through Sidon, down to the Sea of Galilee and into the region of the Decapolis. There some people brought a man to him who was deaf and could hardly talk, and they begged him to place his hand on the man.

After he took him aside, away from the crowd, Jesus put his fingers into the man’s ears. Then he spit and touched the man’s tongue. He looked up to heaven and with a deep sigh said to him, “Ephphatha!” (which means, “Be opened!”). At this, the man’s ears were opened, his tongue was loosened and he began to speak plainly. (Mark 7:31-35)

Quite a passage, isn’t it?

Jesus is presented with a man who is deaf and has a speech impediment. Perhaps he stammered. Maybe he spoke with a lisp. Perhaps, because of his deafness, he never learned to articulate words properly.

Jesus, refusing to exploit the situation, took the man aside. He looked him in the face. Knowing it would be useless to talk, he explained what he was about to do through gestures. He spat and touched the man’s tongue, telling him that whatever restricted his speech was about to be removed. He touched his ears. They, for the first time, were about to hear.

But before the man said a word or heard a sound, Jesus did something I never would have anticipated.

He sighed.

I might have expected a clap or a song or a prayer. Even a “Hallelujah!” or a brief lesson might have been appropriate. But the Son of God did none of these. Instead, he paused, looked into heaven, and sighed. From the depths of his being came a rush of emotion that said more than words.

Sigh. The word seemed out of place.

I’d never thought of God as one who sighs. I’d thought of God as one who commands. I’d thought of God as one who weeps. I’d thought of God as one who called forth the dead with a command or created the universe with a word … but a God who sighs?

Perhaps this phrase caught my eye because I do my share of sighing.

I sighed yesterday when I visited a lady whose invalid husband had deteriorated so much he didn’t recognize me. He thought I was trying to sell him something.

I sighed when the dirty-faced, scantily dressed, six-year-old girl in the grocery store asked me for some change.

And I sighed today listening to a husband tell how his wife won’t forgive him.

No doubt you’ve done your share of sighing.

If you have teenagers, you’ve probably sighed. If you’ve tried to resist temptation, you’ve probably sighed. If you’ve had your motives questioned or your best acts of love rejected, you have been forced to take a deep breath and let escape a painful sigh.

I realize there exists a sigh of relief, a sigh of expectancy, and even a sigh of joy. But that isn’t the sigh described in Mark 7. The sigh described is a hybrid of frustration and sadness. It lies somewhere between a fit of anger and a burst of tears.

The apostle Paul spoke of this sighing. Twice he said that Christians will sigh as long as we are on earth and long for heaven. The creation sighs as if she were giving birth. Even the Spirit sighs as he interprets our prayers. (Romans 8:22-27)

All these sighs come from the same anxiety; a recognition of pain that was never intended, or of hope deferred.

Man was not created to be separated from his creator; hence he sighs, longing for home. The creation was never intended to be inhabited by evil; hence she sighs, yearning for the Garden. And conversations with God were never intended to depend on a translator; hence the Spirit groans on our behalf, looking to a day when humans will see God face to face.

And when Jesus looked into the eyes of Satan’s victim, the only appropriate thing to do was sigh. “It was never intended to be this way,” the sigh said. “Your ears weren’t made to be deaf, your tongue wasn’t made to stumble.” The imbalance of it all caused the Master to languish.

So, I found a place for the word. You might think it strange, but I placed it beside the word comfort, for in an indirect way, God’s pain is our comfort.

And in the agony of Jesus lies our hope. Had he not sighed, had he not felt the burden for what was not intended, we would be in a pitiful condition. Had he simply chalked it all up to the inevitable or washed his hands of the whole stinking mess, what hope would we have?

But he didn’t. That holy sigh assures us that God still groans for his people. He groans for the day when all sighs will cease, when what was intended to be will be.

From God Came Near: Chronicles of the Christ
Copyright (Thomas Nelson, 1999) Max Lucado

Joyful in hope

2010-06-23T18:31:00.001-05:00

I had the repeat MRI a couple of weeks ago. My doctor's office called to let me know that all is ok. There were no changes found, aside from having the knot removed. That was good news to hear. I would be seeing him on Monday, however with his busy summer surgery schedule I had to reschedule. I won't see him till September since my treatment conflicted with the one date available in July and a planned trip I have in August. He is one busy surgeon. He deserves any time he can have free to be with his wife and daughters this summer.

Here is today's email devotional from The Presidential Prayer Team website. It lends itself to the hope that God has placed in those who believe:

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

It's All in His Timing
As World War II was coming to a close, President Franklin Roosevelt met with British Prime Minister Winston Churchill in Yalta to discuss how they would rebuild the war-torn nations. When Roosevelt, who was in poor health, expressed hope that the conference would not last more than five or six days, Churchill replied: "I do not see any way of realizing our hopes about world organization in five or six days. Even the Almighty took seven."

You have probably discovered that God does not always adhere to your personal timetable. He has His own ways, His own means. In the meantime, here you are with hopes unrealized and patience waning. How do you handle it? And how can you honestly be joyful in hope and patient in affliction? The key to following those first two directives is found in the third - be faithful in prayer.

Purpose of trials

2010-06-04T10:40:00.001-05:00

Trials are not enemies of faith but are opportunities to prove God's faithfulness.-- Author Unknown

Yes it is

2010-05-20T19:24:00.001-05:00

“Your faith and hope are in God.” 1 Peter 1:21 NIV

He who gives hope

2010-05-18T20:07:00.002-05:00

"I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace while you trust in him. Then your hope will overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 New Century Version

Hope

2010-05-13T20:04:00.001-05:00

Where does hope come from?
"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope." Psalm 119:49 (NIV)

The path of His choosing

2010-05-02T22:26:00.002-05:00

From Jesus Calling, May 1:
You are on the path of My choosing. There is no randomness about your life. Here and Now comprise the coordinates of your daily life. Most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. The avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. They forget that they are creatures who are subject to the limitations of time and space. They forget their Creator, who walks with them only in the present.
Every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a life of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. Thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk along the path of Peace. Luke 12:25-26, Luke 1:79

This one was tough. It's been hard not to let my mind drift since my last doctor's visit, hearing his knowledge expressed. I don't want to 'forget' my Creator in the midst of this struggle. Though I am fully aware of His Presence every moment, I don't want to lose intimacy with Him in the midst of this struggle. Though I continue to seek communion with Him, I don't want it minimized in the midst of this struggle...giving way to worry. That path of Peace is compromised when the struggle consumes me. Yes, I speak of my physical and mental struggle here. However, a struggle of any kind that keeps me from staying focused on my Creator, His Presence, and our communion, thus stealing my peace, becomes an idol. I don't want to wake up and go to sleep with idols.

Faith is Living

2010-04-19T22:40:00.007-05:00

We went for my surgery follow-up appointment to Birmingham today to get my stitches removed. I had not talked with the doctor since the day we went home from the hospital on April 7th. Surgery went well on April 6th. The tumor was in the muscle so the dr. had to take some of the muscle, too. Though, it wasn't as much as he had to take before on the right side, it still has affected my range of motion for my left arm, too. I'll try the therapy exercises I've done for the right side to keep the shoulder muscles loose so they won't tighten up even more.

The doctor told me today that the cancer was in the muscle which means it traveled there through the blood stream. He removed 11 lymph nodes and they were all clear. He said I'm what they would call an enigma--not a textbook case. (Enigma-something hard to understand or explain; perplexing, puzzling situation--actually, I've stumped all 3 of my cancer drs) He said they can't go to the textbook and find what to do about my case. He advised continuing the monthly Erbitux. He'll schedule a repeat MRI for mid-June to check the BB size spot on the right side. I'll see him afterwards, unless I start feeling something there before then.

As we were coming home, I got out my iPod and started listening to my music. I'm especially enjoying the music of John Waller right now. His song Faith Is Living especially ministered to me. Some of the lyrics:

I wish I could see just three steps in front of me
But the lamp unto my feet
it only moves when I take a step
and believe Your word to me
Lord, You have a history
that proves You're worthy of my faith

You are who you say You are
And You will do what You promised to
And I believe,
That's faith.

Its the evidence of things I cannot see
and faith--its the confidence that You are holding me
It's stepping out, It's breaking through
All my doubts and all I thought I knew
'cause you've never lived until you live by faith

you've never lived until you've lived by faith
you've never lived until you've trusted grace
you've never lived until you lay it all down
so come and live...
Faith is living. (John Waller)

After hearing that song again (for the umpteenth time), it just helped to ground me.This journey that God has me on is all about faith...living by faith, trusting grace. I'm obviously not going to know what lies ahead for me. If it's complete healing, we'll see. But if it's not, God wants me to trust him moment by moment and keep myself attuned to how He wants me to respond to what comes my way. I pray I will hear and see His direction so I can fully be used in this particular plan He has mapped out for this child to follow.

I read these passages from a Max Lucado email devotion after my surgery, Dashed Hopes:

I had made preparations to build it. But God said to me, “You shall not build a house for My name because you are a man of war and have shed blood.… Your son Solomon is the one who shall build My house and My courts.” (1 Chronicles 28:2–3, 6 NASB, emphasis mine)

“Yet, the LORD, the God of Israel, chose me from all the house of my father to be king over Israel forever. For He has chosen Judah to be a leader; and in the house of Judah, my father’s house, and among the sons of my father He took pleasure in me to make me king over all Israel.” (1 Chronicles 28:4 NASB, emphasis mine)

David's "but God" became a "yet God".
I can put myself in the place as this devotional ends:
Who's to say mine won't become the same?

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9, NIV

No matter what

2010-03-27T19:35:00.003-06:00

Seems quite appropriate to post a recent Twitter post by John Piper: No matter what. "I trust in the steadfast love of God forever" (Psalm 52:8).

I had an MRI about 2 weeks ago to see why I was feeling pressure in the right side of my neck. From the reading of the MRI, it must be from all the scar tissue. However, a couple of things did show up. There is a BB size spot higher up on the right side, like more in my hairline. It's too small to even feel. Also, a lymph node on the left side showed up as abnormal. Actually, I found the knot on the left the night before the MRI when I was doing a routine check of my neck.
I saw my dr. in B'ham on Thursday. He couldn't feel the small spot on the right side either. He said we will just watch it and do a repeat MRI in 3-4 months unless I start feeling it. He said it wasn't necessary to put me through a biopsy to check the knot on the left. He said he'd want to remove it no matter what a biopsy would show. So I will have surgery again on Tuesday, April 6.
Compared to my oral surgeries, this will be a quicker recovery. Just praying my husband can go with me as he's recovering from surgery that he had last Monday. We'll see what his surgeon says at his followup on Monday. Small world--his surgeon and my surgeon interned together!

Lessons about the uncertainty of cancer

2010-03-24T19:38:00.002-06:00

The story of Zac Smith

Approach Your Future With Joy

2010-03-08T23:50:00.008-06:00

Approach your future with joy. This was the title of our pastor's message on Sunday. His message came from Philippians 1:18-20. The main teaching from the passage: We should be confident that our future will be an opportunity for Christ to display His glory--that our future is an opportunity for Christ to be displayed as the famous, glorious One. Be resolute to live your life so that Christ is honored no matter what happens.

Oral cancer's toll, Cruel

2010-02-19T21:20:00.001-06:00

Here is an article just put out by The Oral Cancer Foundation: Oral cancer's toll, Cruel. Truthfully, all cancer is cruel. This article just gives voice to those of us who have dealt with and are dealing with this kind of cancer.

Mercy Granted

2010-02-05T23:12:00.003-06:00

"The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer." Psalm 6:9 (NIV)

I'm very glad to report today that it has been one year since my last surgery/recurrence. I am thankful that I have really been feeling well. I still continue my monthly treatments of Erbitux. I still have to deal with the bothersome, though not severe, side effects after each treatment. My doctor said it wasn't protocol to do it this way...but pretty much because my surgeon was insistent/desperate to find a way to slow down/stop this cancer, my oncologist agreed this might be a good treatment plan.

Who am I to say that over two years later, Erbitux might actually be doing what the doctors have desired to see. Though, my oncologist is fast to say that he believes God most definitely has a hand in recovery...and so do I! God has been so good, and I give Him all the glory that I can share this post...that I have come this far!

A quote

2010-01-03T16:50:00.001-06:00

From John Piper's Twitter & Facebook posts on December 14:
"When you take a breath and exhale in sobs, fall against the chest of Jesus. He will hold you up till you can breathe again."

Sometimes He Calms the Storm

2009-12-27T14:52:00.003-06:00

Woo Hoo!

2009-12-01T19:53:00.001-06:00

Went to Birmingham yesterday for my scheduled check-up. My doctor said everything looked good and no lumps/knots being felt by him or me. I don't have to go back till April 4, well past the anniversary of my last surgery. It's been 10 months since my last surgery. I haven't gone that long between surgeries in a LONG time. PTL!!

Silent fellowship of love

2009-10-31T22:02:00.004-06:00

From Streams in the Desert, October 31:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:26-27

It is not necessary to be continually speaking to God, or always hearing from God, in order to have communion or fellowship with Him for there is an unspeakable fellowship that is sweeter than words. A little child can sit all day long beside his mother, totally engrossed in his playing, while his mother is consumed by her work, and although both are busy and few words are spoken by either, they are in perfect fellowship. The child knows his mother is there, and she knows that he is all right.

In the same way, a believer and his(her) Savior can continue many hours in the silent fellowship of love. And although the believer may be busy with the ordinary things of life, he(she) can be mindful that every detail of his(her) life is touched by the character of God's presence, and can have the awareness of His approval and blessing.

Then when troubled with burdens and difficulties too complicated to put into words and too puzzling to express or fully understand, how sweet it is to fall into the embrace of His blessed arms and to simply sob out the sorrow that we cannot speak! selected

Run with patience

2009-10-31T12:57:00.007-06:00

From my Friday Streams in the Desert devotional:

"Let us run with patience." Hebrews 12:1 KJV
Running "with patience" is a very difficult thing to do. The word "running" itself suggests the absence of patience, or an eagerness to reach a goal. Yet we often associate patience with lying down or standing still. We think of it as an angel who guards the bed of the disabled. Yet I do not believe that the kind of patience a disabled person may have is the hardest to achieve.

There is another kind of patience that I believe is harder to obtain--the patience that runs. Lying down during a time of grief, or being quiet after a financial setback, certainly implies great strength--the power to continue working after a setback, the power to still run with a heavy heart, and the power to perform your daily tasks with deep sorrow in your spirit. This is a Christlike thing!

Many of us could tearlessly deal with grief if only we were allowed to do so in private. Yet what is so difficult is that most of us are called to exercise our patience not in bed but in sorrows, not in restful activity but in active service--in our workplace, while shopping, and during social events--contributing to other people's joy. No other way of burying our sorrow is as difficult as this, for it is truly what is meant by running "with patience." George Matheson

Don't Waste Your Cancer

2009-08-22T14:53:00.006-05:00

I "just happened" to come across this article today. It really spoke to me. You can read the full article by John Piper here. Here are his 10 points from Don't Waste Your Cancer from his own experience with cancer 3 years ago.

1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.
2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.
3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.
4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.
5. You will waste your cancer if you think that "beating" cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.
6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.
7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.
8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.
9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.
10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

Good Checkup

2009-08-17T17:57:00.003-05:00

We went to Birmingham today for my scheduled checkup. It was good because it's been 3 months since my last checkup. This is the second time this year I've gone 3 months before a checkup! I've never gone that long between checkups before. That is a great feeling. And good because my doctor said all looked well. My mouth has healed well. And good because I had a PET scan on Thursday that he had scheduled, and he said that was clear. PTL! I had a EGD (Endoscopy) with dilation of my esophagus on Friday. That will make it much easier for me to swallow. It's been 2 1/2 years since I last had it done. It's something that has to be done usually for patients who have had surgeries and radiation to the neck. I have a really nice gastro doctor that takes care of that for me. I am beyond blessed with the doctors God allows me to have!

On a side note, we had an interesting lesson on patience today...or maybe that's impatience! We had to take a detour getting to my doctor this morning as the two lanes were backed up at the exit we take due to an accident. After our lunch at Cheesecake Factory, we got in some more stalled traffic leaving Birmingham due to road work. Then when we got onto the interstate in Montgomery to get to the southern route to get home, it was slowed down for miles. We eventually passed a wrecker about to pick up a stalled ambulance, but that wasn't the total cause. It was still stalled/slowed for miles ahead yet. "Someone" decided to take the next exit to see about getting to our route faster. Alas, many other people had the same idea about their intended destination. Once again miles of slowed traffic. Whew, we finally get to the point we can turn onto the road taking us south and homeward. Lo and behold, just ahead of us, right in FRONT of us, was the very same wrecker, with ambulance now aboard, making a right turn onto another road. I restrained myself from laughing out loud.

I'm betrothed

2009-07-22T20:39:00.004-05:00

And I will betroth you to me. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD. Hosea 2:19-20

Fear Not

2009-07-18T00:03:00.004-05:00

But now, this is what the LORD says -- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1 New International Version

My Struggles Are About Him

2009-07-08T17:46:00.003-05:00

Here is my latest Max Lucado email devotional. It was so full of truth.

My Struggles are About Him
by Max Lucado

What about your struggles? Is there any chance, any possibility, that you have been selected to struggle for God’s glory? Have you “been granted for Christ’s sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake” (Philippians 1:29)?

Here is a clue. Do your prayers seem to be unanswered? What you request and what you receive aren’t matching up? Don’t think God is not listening. Indeed he is. He may have higher plans.

Here is another. Are people strengthened by your struggles? A friend of mine can answer yes. His cancer was consuming more than his body; it was eating away at his faith. Unanswered petitions perplexed him. Well-meaning Christians confused him. “If you have faith,” they said, “you will be healed.”

No healing came. Just more chemo, nausea, and questions. He assumed the fault was a small faith. I suggested another answer. “It’s not about you,” I told him. “Your hospital room is a showcase for your Maker. Your faith in the face of suffering cranks up the volume of God’s song.”

Oh, that you could have seen the relief on his face. To know that he hadn’t failed God and God hadn’t failed him—this made all the difference. Seeing his sickness in the scope of God’s sovereign plan gave his condition a sense of dignity. He accepted his cancer as an assignment from heaven: a missionary to the cancer ward.

A week later I saw him again. “I reflected God,” he said, smiling through a thin face, “to the nurse, the doctors, my friends. Who knows who needed to see God, but I did my best to make him seen.”

Bingo. His cancer paraded the power of Jesus down the Main Street of his world.

God will use whatever he wants to display his glory. Heavens and stars. History and nations. People and problems.

Rather than begrudge your problem, explore it. Ponder it. And most of all, use it. Use it to the glory of God.

Through your problems and mine, may God be seen.
From It's Not About Me, copyright (Thomas Nelson, 2007), Max Lucado

Encouraged

2009-07-03T23:42:00.005-05:00

I follow Josh Harris (I Kissed Dating Goodbye), and he posted this link to his Sunday, June 28th, message on Facebook. I listened to the message and made notes while listening. It was so uplifting for some who have circumstances to overcome.

Josh Harris – June 28, 2009 Covenant Life Church

Change is God’s agenda, and it’s for His glory.
Change is God’s agenda, and it’s for His glory.
Change is not something we have the idea of and then we do it and get the credit for it.
No, God is the One who has come on a rescue mission in Jesus Christ to bring about lasting, real heart level change--and when that change occurs, we don’t get the praise.
God gets the praise because Jesus is the One who accomplished it.
Change is God’s agenda. When you know this living God, it pushes out human pride, and it also pushes out despair--because when you know Him, you realize there’s no place for despair and hopelessness when you serve that kind of God. He might not answer your prayer in the way you want. He might not come to you on your timetable, but He can be trusted.
So, here’s the important thing to remember about change: It’s not our idea.
If (you’re a non-Christian and) you realize your life has been destroyed by your sin, you know you don’t have a right relationship with God…do you realize the change that you desire in your life--if there’s even the smallest glimmer of desire to know God and be forgiven by God--that didn’t start with you. That’s God’s agenda in your life. He’s working in your life. He’s giving you that desire. Respond to it. Respond to Him.

Still My God

2009-06-09T18:01:00.001-05:00

Kris Allen singing God of This City

2009-05-29T01:15:00.003-05:00

Good news from check-up on Monday

2009-05-13T18:18:00.006-05:00

We went back to Birmingham on Monday for my 3 month follow-up from surgery in February. My doctor was very pleased with the progress of the tissue flap in my mouth. When I saw him 8 weeks ago he had talked about possibly trimming the flap tissue at the corner of my lip to make it less noticeable. I've noticed since that visit that the swelling, or whatever it is, has been going down much better than I thought it would. I still thought maybe some trimming could help it, though. However, he was so pleased with how much more it had gone down since he last saw me that he didn't want to touch it. I asked him if the part closest to my lip would go down more, and he said, "I know it will". He said it usually continues to improve for the year after surgery, so that was good to hear. He wants me to go back for a check-up in August, and, if need be, he would trim it then. He said he would schedule a PET scan about a week before I come back to see him to make sure nothing else is going on. Though the recovery is time intensive, I am encouraged to see things get better. Thank you for all of your prayers. It is quite wonderful to not have to go back for 3 months and not anticipate seeing him sooner! Can I just say - I LOVE my doctor! (Curriculum Vitae)

God does not lie

2009-05-02T10:56:00.004-05:00

From my Streams in the Desert yesterday:

"God, who does not lie, promised." Titus 1:2
Faith is not conjuring up, through an act of your will, a sense of certainty that something is going to happen. No, it is recognizing God's promise as an actual fact, believing it is true, rejoicing in the knowledge of that truth, and then simply resting because God said it. Faith turns a promise into a prophecy. A promise is contingent upon our cooperation, but when we exercise genuine faith in it, it becomes a prophecy. Then we can move ahead with certainty that it will come to pass, because "God...does not lie." from Days of Heaven upon Earth

(Titus scripture in context: "Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of Jesus Christ for the faith of God's elect and the knowledge of the truth that leads to godliness—a faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time, and at his appointed season he brought his word to light through the preaching entrusted to me by the command of God our Savior;" Titus 1:1-3 NIV)

Great weekend

2009-04-06T21:49:00.004-05:00

I spent the last weekend partly with my daughter in her home with her family...and partly with my daughter in New Orleans hearing Beth Moore expounding on 1 Thessalonians 5:12-24
The Holiness of Wholeness:
1. The essence of holiness is wholeness-verse 23
2. I can't be a whole person without other people-vs 12-15
3. Wholeness releases persistent joy-verse 16
4. Wholeness relates through persistent prayer-verse 17
5. Wholeness reacts with persistent thanks-verse 18
6. Where I lack wholeness, I lack protection-verse 23
7. God is wholly faithful, and I am found holy in Him-verse 24God is worthy of our trust!
It was, as always, a wonderful time of praise and worship with Travis Cottrel and team. It was a great time with the group from my daughter's church.

As great as that was, the highlight had to be seeing my second grandson baptized and participating for the first time in the elements of the Lord's Supper. It was great spending time with all four of my grandchildren which you can learn more about on My Daughter's Blog.

Where I spent Friday & Saturday

2009-04-06T21:45:00.001-05:00

Living Proof Live - New Orleans 2009 from Rich Kalonick on Vimeo.

Revelation Song

2009-03-29T14:12:00.000-06:00

Unswervingly

2009-03-23T22:58:00.003-06:00

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
Hebrews 10:23

God's Provision Brings Glory

2009-03-20T17:36:00.004-06:00

Here are some snippets from my latest Henry Blackaby devotional, March 18:
"Did you know that you bring glory to God by calling upon Him when you are in distress? God promised He would deliver you if you turned to Him. You deny the Lord honor that is rightfully His very time you find yourself in difficulty and you fail to call upon Him for help! There may be times when God allows you to reach a point of need so that you can call upon Him, and thus let Him demonstrate to a watching world the difference He makes in the lives of His children. If God never allowed you to experience need, people around you might never have the opportunity to witness God's provision in the life of a Christian. Call upon the Lord and wait exclusively upon Him to rescue you. Then give Him the glory that He deserves."

If I was so bold as Charles Spurgeon as I read in Streams in the Desert:
Every promise of Scripture is a letter from God, which we may plead before Him with this reasonable request: "Do as you promised." Our Creator will never cheat those of us of His creation who depend upon His truth. And even more, our heavenly Father will never break His word to His own child. "Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope" Psalm 119:49. This is a very common plea and is a double argument, for it is "your word." Will You not keep it? Why have You spoken it, if You will not make it good? "You have given me hope." Will You now disappoint the hope that You Yourself have brought forth within me?

Latest checkup

2009-03-20T17:21:00.003-06:00

We went back to B'ham on Monday for second followup after surgery. My dr. says things look good. He did give me steroid shots in the flap to help reduce the swelling that is still there. The area is still numb so I didn't (and don't) feel a thing. He wants me to go back in 8 weeks. He said to plan for him to trim the flap part that meets the corner of the inside of my lip. He can do that in his office. It is still quite noticeable when I talk. I am able to talk better, though you may not understand me well. I'm eating better and able to chew food now, but it is quite a workout for my left jaw since my mouth still won't open very far. I had my Erbitux treatment yesterday so I'm not feeling so good. I saw that dr. last Thursday, and we decided to continue with the once a month treatments. We have no way of knowing if they are doing any good at all. I think it keeps my doctors from being frustrated of what to do to stop this stuff. At least we're doing what there is to do right now.

Perfectly right

2009-03-03T11:46:00.004-06:00

I will go back in two weeks to see my surgeon for the second follow-up. At this point I'm discouraged that the 'wad' in my mouth is VERY slow in going down. His consensus was that it could take 8 weeks for recovery. I will see what he says when I see him again. Yet, in spite of the discouragement it brings, I must keep it all in perspective, too.

My devotional from Streams in the Desert for March 1 was based on the scripture Ecclesiastes 7:13-"Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked?"
Then the author chose a selected commentary without an author listed:
God often seems to place His children in places of deep difficulty, leading them into a corner from which there is no escape. He creates situations that human judgment, even if consulted, would never allow. Yet the cloudiness of the circumstance itself is used by Him to guide us to the other side. Perhaps this is where you find yourself even now.
Your situation is filled with uncertainty and is very serious, but it is perfectly right. The reason behind it will more than justify Him who brought you here, for it is a platform from which God will display His almighty grace and power.
He not only will deliver you but in doing so will impart a lesson that you will never forget. And in days to come, you will return to the truth of it through singing. You will be unable to ever thank God enough for doing exactly what He has done.

A platform to display His grace and power. So be it...and with singing! Well, I can't sing, never could, but especially not now with all the neck surgeries and radiations to my neck. You know I'm a music person (how odd that I work for a minister of music and I really know nothing about music but that I like it) and like to share what God says through peoples' music. So let that be a a form of singing for me...through someone else, that knows just how to place in musical words what God is doing in my life. Enjoy!

A Grounded Hope

2009-02-19T15:18:00.005-06:00

A friend loaned a book to me that had been given her recently after her diagnosis of breast cancer. It is A Reason for Hope-Gaining Strength for your Fight Against Cancer by Michael S. Barry who is a chaplain for the Cancer Treatment Centers of America and pastor of Hope Evangelical Presbyterian Church in Libertyville, Ill. It was a little book full of hope and encouragement. Psalm 31:24 particularly jumped out at me: "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." Matthew 26:39 had a new meaning for me: "Yet not as I will, but as You will." I am trusting it to be God's will to heal me completely of this cancer. Jesus prayed those words before his crucifixion. Why would He pray for God's will when it would mean crucifixion, taking the sin of the world on His shoulders? God had a plan, a much bigger plan, and Jesus knew that. He wanted God's plan to be fulfilled. How can I pray for God's will for me when part of His plan means for me to deal with cancer? Cancer's not good and no one wants to deal with it. I'm glad God has a much bigger plan for me than cancer, and I don't want to limit Him fulfilling that plan by not trusting Him when I pray "yet not as I will, but as You will".

There was a prayer at the end of one of the chapters in the book that I wanted to share:

Father in heaven, help me to have hope by surrounding me with hopeful people. Help me not to receive bad news as though is is the last edition, but rather as one piece of information afloat on a river of facts flowing into a hopeful future. Heal me, I pray, not for my sake or anyone else's, but for Your sake. And ground my hope in the reality of Your profound and enduring love for me and desire for my well-being. In the Name of Jesus, I pray. Amen

Thank you for being hopeful people who surround me.

Part 2-Recovery at home

2009-02-19T14:46:00.005-06:00

We got home from the hospital comfortably by Sunday afternoon. I was looking forward to being able to really get some much needed rest in my own bed. John, of course, was a great nurse taking care of my every need. With the splint on my left arm I was not able to easily shower or dress without his help. He took care of my neck incision every morning and evening. He had my breakfast and lunch prepared or came back to help with lunch if he could. I've had so much going on in my mouth with stitches and swelling that only liquid or creamy things have been part of my diet so far. Can't handle anything with even small chunks or texture quite yet. I was looking forward to going back for my follow-up on Monday, the 16th. I was hoping the splint would come off and my doctor would shed more light on the swelling in my mouth. He had told us when we left the hospital that it would take 6 weeks for it to completely go down. He had said the swelling should be down 50% from what it was till I came back for the follow-up. I wasn't so sure it had gotten down that much when we went back. He did remove the splint, plus staples from an incision that went from my wrist where the flap was removed to my elbow. I wasn't expecting that. I had no idea the extent this surgery took to make sure the flap in my mouth would have the veins and arteries needed to make it work properly. He and the nurses were quite pleased with my progress and all seemed according to plan though it is such an adjustment for me. He told me before I left his office that it might be 8 weeks for the area to completely heal to a normal state. I'll see him again in 4 weeks. The stitches and swelling in my mouth not only limits my ability to eat and drink but also to talk. That would be a huge prayer request...that my mouth will quickly heal, and I would be able to eat more easily. It is great to be able to use my left arm now. The wrist is still quite touchy and my arm is recovering from soreness I'm sure because of the incision that had to be made. I was able to blow dry my hair today on my own for the first time...and I'm able to type using both hands now. This has to be the most challenging recovery I've ever had from surgery. It's actually like having 3 individual major surgeries to get over. It's just going to be more time intensive. Cannot wait for 8 weeks to be here so I can hopefully see great improvement. Thank you for your many thoughts and prayers during all of this time.

Part 1-February 5th Surgery

2009-02-19T14:02:00.009-06:00

We reported to the 3rd floor of St. Vincent's Hospital at 5:00 a.m. sharp to sign in for my scheduled surgery. They took me immediately to the 4th floor to get me prepped for surgery. This time I honestly don't remember ever leaving the room where they get your IV started and all that stuff. (I had to get the IV in my left foot since my surgeon was going to be working on my left arm, and I can't have sticks in my right arm due to nodes being removed after my lumpectomy in 2000.) I remember the anesthesiologist saying he was going to give me something to help me relax. That's the last thing I remember until I woke up in recovery saying my throat was hurting. They hadn't removed the breathing tube yet and said that was probably why and removed it. I remember having to cough a lot, which I've never done after surgery. I later learned my surgery took 4 hours. I've never had tubes down my nose and throat for that length of time while doing all kinds of surgeries on me. I knew the doctors would be removing the cancer from the inside of my cheek and then sew a flap of skin from the inside of my forearm to the area so it could heal. Veins and arteries would be attached microscopically and the blood flow to the area would have to come from the left side of my neck. I have had too many surgeries and radiation on the right side to get a good blood flow for the flap. I asked the nurse in recovery by note how long my incision was on my neck. She said it was from under my ear to across the center of my neck. The nurses were talking about how good the incision had been closed up. I later noticed the splint I knew would be on my left arm looked more like a cast with the thick ace bandage wrapped from my fingertips to above my elbow. I was in recovery for about 6 hours waiting for a room in ICU where I was scheduled to spend the night. All this time I'm wondering how I'm going to get up and use the bathroom when I have to go. I later learned I had a catheter. That was really a relief to me to know I didn't have to try to get up and go. The nurses in ICU would frequently look in my mouth with a flashlight to make sure the flap was pink, getting blood flow. They even checked it with a mini Doppler machine where they could pick up the pulse of the blood flow around my mouth and cheek. The doctor had the temperature of the room stay between 75 and 80 degrees to help encourage blood flow so the vessels wouldn't get cooled down and constrict. I ended up staying in ICU two nights with male nurses which was quite interesting to say the least. A (female) nurse removed the catheter the next day in ICU and that was fine. One of my doctors so nicely arranged to have me moved to the new wing when I left ICU on Saturday afternoon. (He had already sent John to his office across the street to get 2 shots for a sinus infection that had really taken hold of him.) It was nice to finally be in a 'regular' room...a regular room with a mirror in the bathroom. I had NO idea till I saw myself in the mirror just how swollen my face and mouth were from the surgery. It was quite a shock. The assisting surgeon had said in ICU that I would probably go home on Tuesday or Wednesday. However, my regular doctor came in to see us on Sunday morning and said I could go home on Monday unless I wanted to go home Sunday. I was so ready to go home. The nights were so long in the hospital. So we were able to go home Sunday which was a huge blessing. The flap was proving to be a successful transplant, and I was doing well.

Delayed update

2009-02-16T15:51:00.003-06:00

I'll give a full account of my surgery and recovery as soon as I'm able to use both hands to type. I'm still only right handed for typing right now. Hopefully, just a few more days and I'll have full typing access of my left hand, too.

This is My doing

2009-02-03T22:20:00.003-06:00

Just had to share one more excerpt with you from Streams in the Desert.

February 1:
This is my doing. 1 Kings 12:24
My child, I have a message for you today. Let me whisper it in your ear so any storm clouds that may arise will shine with glory, and the rough places you may have to walk will be made smooth. It is only four words, but let them sink into your inner being, and use them as a pillow to rest your weary head. "This is my doing." Have you realized that whatever concerns you concerns Me, too? "For whosoever touches you touches the apple of [my] eye" Zech 2:8. "You are precious and honored in my sight" Isaiah 43:4. Therefore it is My special delight to teach you. Are you in difficult circumstances..."This is my doing." I am the God of circumstances. You did not come to this place by accident--you are exactly where I meant for you to be. Laura A. Barter Snow

Is this but a perfect expression of His Sovereignty!!

Seriously, I need to get busy about getting ready to leave in the morning. Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. I will update when we get back.

She will not be moved

2009-02-03T22:03:00.005-06:00

Well, I need to be getting myself ready to leave for Birmingham in the morning, but I wanted to leave a word first. I (we) have just been overwhelming by the great outpouring of love and care to John and me since Sunday. Though I am nervous and dreading the next few days, I already have that unmistakable peace that only God can give. I wanted to share my devotional from the other day from Streams in the Desert.

January 29:
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. Psalm 46:5 NASB
"Will not be moved"--what an inspiring declaration! Is it possible for us who are so easily moved by earthly things to come to a point where nothing can upset us or disturb our peace? The answer is yes, and the apostle Paul knew it. When he was on his way to Jerusalem, the Holy Spirit warned him that "prison and hardships" (Acts 20:23) awaited him. Yet he could triumphantly say, "But none of these things move me" (Acts 20:24 KJV). Everything in Paul's life and experience that could be disturbed had already been shaken, and he no longer considered his life or any of his possessions as having any earthly value. And if we will only let God have His way with us, we can come to the same point. Then, like Paul, neither the stress and strain of little things nor the great and heavy trials of life will have enough power to move us from "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding" (Phil. 4:7). God declares peace to be the inheritance of those who have learned to rest only on Him. Hannah Whitall Smith

Do not fear

2009-01-23T11:00:00.003-06:00

My verse and prayer today from Marybeth Whalen :

You came near when I called you, and you said, "Do not fear". Lamentations 3:57 (NIV)
Dear Lord, Help me to trust in You even as my fears are realized. Help me to hear Your voice telling me that You are with me, and that I don't need to be afraid. Help me to feel your nearness. Most of all, Lord, help me to see Your purpose for me even as I am walking through trials. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Saved from deep waters

2009-01-21T19:46:00.008-06:00

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters." Psalm 18:16

"...Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior..." Isaiah 43:1b-3a

"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:21

I wondered how I would begin another post...another post about cancer and surgery once again. A friend sent a card today with the verses from Isaiah. The other verses were in a devotional email I got before Christmas. There's never a shortage of the word of God for any given situation.

I went to Birmingham last Tuesday for a regular checkup. My dr. decided to do a biopsy of a suspicious area on the inside of my cheek. He called Sunday afternoon to tell us it is cancer. My surgery will be on Thursday, February 5th. This oral surgery will be more involved than previous oral surgeries. He will have to do a skin flap to cover the area that he removes. I have had radiation to that area and the circulation won't be as good. A flap is skin with blood vessels and such that can aid in blood circulation and help it heal. A skin graft wouldn't be able to do that. He will remove the flap from the inside of my left forearm. It won't be an overnight stay this time. I will be in ICU for the first night to make sure a clot doesn't form in the flap and prevent circulation. Then I will stay 2-3 more days. Oral surgery is always harder for me to bounce back, and this one sounds even tougher. I've always been able to quickly be back in the swing of things after my neck surgeries. There's more pain to control with oral surgery so I've got a measure of dread.

As I got in my car to go to work the morning after having the biopsy, the end of Praise You In This Storm was on my radio. I had been listening to CDs lately and hadn't listened to the radio so much. That was so like God though...reminding me He was with me. I don't know why I'm still a fan of contemporary Christian music at my age (ha, ha), but the end instrumental of that song to me is just pure surrender and worship. Then today I had my regular scheduled appointment with my chiropractor who is a member of my church. After my adjustment, he laid his hands on me and prayed. He always has Christian music playing through the intercom. Voice of Truth was playing in the background as he prayed. Is God not awesome or what? What else can I say, "Here we go again"? I think I've said that before, but, yes, here we go again. With the dread also comes an anticipation of how God will choose to manifest Himself to me. Did I happen to say that God is awesome?

Happy New Year

2009-01-05T22:08:00.005-06:00

Sorry to be so long in posting. I recovered nicely from the radiation burn, though it was quite red for a while. It was fabulous not to have to worry about an Erbitux treatment during December and the side effects. I had a very busy holiday season and enjoyed being with my family very much during that time. Alas, if not for a sinus infection and stomach virus, it would have been an uneventful December.

The verse I received in a New Year's day devotional email was quite profound to me:
"Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord." Lamentations 2:19a (NKJV)
That is exactly what God desires us to do, give it all to Him.

I received a new devotional for the year, "Streams in the Desert". January 4th so spoke to my journey:
You will never learn faith in comfortable surroundings. God gives us His promises in a quiet hour, seals our covenants with great and gracious words, and then steps back, waiting to see how much we believe. He then allows the Tempter to come, and the ensuing test seems to contradict all that He has spoken. This is when faith wins its crown. This is the time to look up through the storm, and among the trembling, frightened sailors (in Acts) declare, " I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me." Acts 27:25

Sharing with a friend that has just learned she is dealing with breast cancer, we concurred that we are on a journey...with God...through this life...and we want to be found faithful to the trust He places in us to take the journey...with Him.

Future Hope

2008-11-22T15:09:00.003-06:00

My skin is reacting to the radiation, as before, since I've finished. Can be quite touchy. I had my Eribtux Thursday and the dr. said it would exacerbate the reaction so I don't know if that's why it's worse. I really believe it would probably be like this anyway as it was summer of last year. Hopefully, it will heal soon, though. I do get the month of December off from the Erbitux. I'm very glad for that. I would like to fully enjoy the Christmas season this year!!

I wanted to share my Beth Moore Devotional from yesterday. I love to hear God's still small voice:
November 21: God does not love us less when He gives us fewer evidences. He simply desires to grow us up and teach us to walk by faith.
Lord, according to Your Word, hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life (Prov. 13:12). Lord, You are keenly aware of any hopes that have been deferred in my life. Help me to put my hopes in You, for You will fulfill my longings.
Wonderful Savior, You tell me that there is surely a future hope for me, and my hope will not be cut off (Prov. 23:18). When I hope in You, Lord, I will renew my strength. I will soar on wings like eagles; I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint (Isa. 40:31).
Lord, help me hear this word as one from You to me: "So there is hope for your future," declares the Lord (Jer. 29:17).

This takes me back to Everlasting God. Here's the story behind the song written by Brenton Brown:
“The song ‘Everlasting God’ was ‘born’ about eight years ago (2000). The worship teams from our church left Oxford for a retreat in the heart of Wales late on a Friday evening. I thought it would be a quick journey but close to four hours later, way past midnight, we arrived at our lodgings. It was dark and cold and most of us just wanted to head for bed after a long week and the endless journey. Before we did though, we all sat down for a little prayer. We’d brought along percussion and hand drums and as we started to pray we gradually began to pick up the various instruments and play. I grabbed a guitar and not long later the words and melody of the verse came out – ‘strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord’. It took four years to finish the song but basically things continued as they’d started. A few years later Ken Riley, a friend from Newcastle, came to visit Jude and I and added a great bridge to the song. At that stage both Jude and I had been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and the scriptures in the verse and bridge took on a significance I never dreamed I’d have to understand. The chorus of the song reveals the ‘punch line’ of Isaiah 40 – God is everlasting, unfailing, unflagging. There is no limit to his strength and energy. More than that, this powerful, always-strong God has compassion and mercy on those who call on Him. He lifts us up when we are weak...an enormously comforting and sometimes challenging truth that we have been able to hold on to.”

Finished!

2008-11-11T20:08:00.004-06:00

I had my last radiation treatment yesterday...33 in all. I was glad my skin held up to get through all 33 without having to stop for a while. Now, hopefully, it will recover without having the reaction afterwards like I did the last time. It was nice that the last 3 weeks there was nobody waiting in the waiting room for their treatments. There were 4-5 every week when I first started. I'm glad the techs were just sitting around reading books and playing solitaire on the computer. I saw one of the techs, the one that has always fitted my mask, visiting church with his family Sunday. He told me yesterday that they have visited the last couple of Sundays. I knew he was a Christian because the first time he fitted me with the mask 3 years ago he made a point of finding out where I went to church and told me where he went. My other tech that did the treatments everyday gave me a certificate yesterday with a cross in the background. She specifically did that background for me. I thought that was very sweet of her. I'll have another Erbitux next week. I don't go back to B'ham till January. My radiation dr. said he wants a PET scan in about 3 months. I'll have a nice break for a while. Hopefully, an uneventful Christmas season with my family this year...the first in 4 years. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers that have most definitely gotten me through the last 7 weeks.

Halfway

2008-10-21T21:09:00.017-05:00

Well, I'm halfway through my radiation treatments. I'll have another Erbitux on Thursday. The last one I had gave me a pretty rough weekend.
I did get a nice long weekend, though. My daughter-in-law invited me to go with her and the girls to Magic Kingdom and SeaWorld. My radiation dr. allowed me to have Thursday and Friday off. It was great...though my ankles rebelled at all the walking I was subjecting them to in such a short amount of time. Here are some pics:

Waiting for the first Cinderella Castle show

Cinderella Castle by day

Cinderella Castle by night

Scenes from the Shamu shows

Overcome by the bubble machine

Thank God for small favors

2008-09-30T20:18:00.008-05:00

What can I say except that God is faithful! The Mask, as I've said, is so tight. The technician was nice enough to go ahead and cut the nose part out when it dried. I didn't have the mouth part cut out because I don't need a " bite block" since I'm not having radiation to my mouth. It was so tight over my mouth that my teeth were so pressed into the inside of my bottom lip. I even started having a toothache and couldn't help but wonder if it was because of the pressure pushing on my bite. The tech told me on Thursday that the markings to line up the machine were just below that part and would compromise it if it were cut. When my treatment finished she told me she might be able to move the marking a little lower. Hallelujah, it was cut out for me today! Not so unbearable now! I am so thankful. I got Friday and Monday off, too, because they had to do computer software updates. That was a good thing as my skin was already showing signs of redness after only 4 days. I did get my Erbitux on Thursday. I'm not sure if that might have enhanced the redness. It was good to have 4 days off, though. I had a typical Erbitux weekend, though. I felt pretty bad by Sunday. I'm really glad I don't have to have the Erbitux again so soon as when I had radiation last time.

Faith For Battle

2008-09-25T20:58:00.003-05:00

I love sharing my devotionals that are so relevent to my situations in life. This one from Henry Blackaby's Discovering God's Daily Agenda:

The LORD our God spoke to us in Horeb, saying: "You have dwelt long enough at this mountain." Deuteronomy 1:6

We will never be the people God wants us to be if we don't spend time with Him.
Everyone of us needs some time on a spiritual mountain with God, but He does not set people free to remain on the mountain. After all, any mountaintop encounter we have with God is not merely for our encouragement; it is also intended to strengthen us for battle. Victories are ultimately not won by extended worship times on the mountaintop, but by going into battle and fulfilling God's purpose for our lives.
Some people are tempted to take up permanent residence on their spiritual mountaintop, but that makes them unavailable for God's service--and they don't experience fresh spiritual victories. Other believers neglect their time with God in order to rush into the next battle for Him. These people inevitably experience humiliating defeat.
During certain seasons throughout our lives and even at occasional points in our week, we need to withdraw from life's battles. At other times we need to leave the mountain and advance on the enemy. God knows which you ought to be doing. Be sure you are seeking His will and obeying His call.

For me, I want to walk in obedience to fulfill His purpose for my life. I want to hear His voice and know when to advance on the enemy and experience fresh spiritual victories; but also when to withdraw from my battles and spend time with Him.

First day, again

2008-09-22T21:51:00.003-05:00

Well, I started my radiation treatments today...with The Mask. Three years ago when I had radiation that involved the mask, I listened to Lifesong and Praise You In This Storm everyday on my way to my treatments. I truly wanted my lifesong to sing to Him, to be a good witness. I have to say this mask thing really tries me on that. I want to have a good attitude about it, but I truly hate that thing. I don't want this to be what I take in with me everyday in front of these technicians. They are nice enough, but it's a job and they have the next patient waiting. As hard as it might be for me to deal with this, I don't want that to be the attitude they see from me every day. I posted a blog earlier today with a song that was on the radio when I was going back to work after the treatment. Two lines in the song jumped out at me: "You comfort those in need, You lift us up on wings like eagles." The whole song is timely telling me "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord." At this point I don't know just how that strength will be there for me tomorrow, but I know I have a lot of people praying for me in my need, and God knows that need and He will surely meet it for His glory.

Building Faith

2008-09-22T21:25:00.003-05:00

The following excerpt is from my Henry Blackaby devotional for September 20:
"Times that deeply challenge your faith will inevitably occur in your life. Eventually a situation will require you to trust God to a greater degree than you have ever had to trust Him before. Don't be shaken. Keep your eyes steadfastly on Jesus. He can see you through the storm. And, when He does, you will have grown to trust Him at a deeper level of faith than you ever have before."

I've really had a struggle with the issue of faith, thinking I haven't had enough or it's not strong enough. I guess I was thinking it was up to me to make it what God wants it to be. But with every challenging situation he has allowed in my life (and I'm not just talking my health here), He has been building my faith. As I look back I can see He has done this. If it were not so, I wouldn't be sitting here adding another post to this blog. I won't lie. I don't want these challenging situations in my life, for me or anybody else in my family. But God is God! What greater way to show His realness than to cause me (or somebody else) to trust Him yet another time...and, yet another time, to reveal His faithfulness to my trust in Him. No, it doesn't instantaneously make the situation better, but He lets me know in His special way that He's at work in the midst of whatever it is...when I'm faithful to Him. See it...faith. Like I started this blog in my very first post, it starts and ends with His faithfulness.

Everlasting God

2008-09-22T21:21:00.001-05:00

New every morning

2008-09-16T21:01:00.005-05:00

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

God uses people in my life everyday to let me know they are praying for me and care about me. It is quite overwhelming to know the extent that God uses people, literally, all over the world to give me a word of encouragement.

Yesterday was really special. When I got back to work after lunch there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting for me on my desk. A very dear couple from church had sent the flowers to brighten my day...and did they ever! I got so many comments about the beautiful flowers.

I, also, received a note in the mail. It was from one of the staff at Answers in Genesis. AiG held an event in a nearby town on the Sunday and Monday after my surgery. I had gotten a personal invitation to a reception being held on Saturday night before the event. I failed to RSVP that I wouldn't be able to attend. On that Saturday afternoon I received a call that happened to be from the main speaker for the event. He was making calls to let those invited know that the reception was being cancelled because of the stormy weather we were having in the area. I told him how kind it was for him to call but that I wouldn't have been able to attend anyway as I just had surgery for cancer again. He asked questions about my situation, and I explained it to him. He told me that he would take my name back to their headquarters to be put on their prayer list that goes beyond their U.S. headquarters. He told me that I could be assured I would be prayed for by their staff. His exact words, "You can take it to the bank." I thanked him, and he even prayed for me over the phone. I received a handwritten note from "Bill" today to let me know that the staff at AiG had "prayed the Lord place His healing hand upon you and completely heal you". Under his name he wrote Matthew 8:17. That verse refers to a verse in Isaiah 53:4--
This was to fulfill what was spoken through Isaiah the prophet: "HE HIMSELF TOOK OUR INFIRMITIES AND CARRIED AWAY OUR DISEASES." (NASB)
I don't know who "Bill" is. He didn't sign his last name. I don't even know how to acknowledge to him that I received his note and how much I appreciate it.

As much as I dread the radiation treatments I will start soon, God gives me snippets of Himself through other people to let me know He is caring for me through them...like a dear friend that sent me an email of prayer tonight to encourage me of His unending mercies.

Oh, Mercy!

2008-09-13T20:41:00.013-05:00

Well, I saw my radiation oncologist yesterday. The technician took me to the room where they get you set up for the type of radiation you'll be having. When I saw the other technician walk in that was my radiation tech from 3 years ago, I knew the obvious. I asked if I was going to have to wear a mask again, they both said yes. I wore a radiation mask 3 years ago exactly, during the time of Hurricane Katrina. It was when I had radiation to my mouth and neck.

Yesterday they fitted me with a mask as they did the first time. They take a sheet of mesh, put it in very warm water so it can become pliable. Then they place it over your head and shoulders and mold the mesh to fit as closely as possible to your head, face, and neck. It was not a pleasant experience for the first couple of weeks the first time. My radiation onc told me the radiation might make my mouth too sore to tolerate eating well. If I lost 10 lbs, he would insert a feeding tube. So I started adding calories and gained 8 lbs by the time I started the treatments. Well, the mask was fitted prior to the 8 lbs. It was horribly tight, especially across my nose. I ended up getting a sinus infection. I finally told my dr. how terribly uncomfortable the mask was over my nose. He went right then and cut the nose part out of it! After that, it was better. I just had to endure the indentations from the mask for about 3 hours afterwards till they finally faded so I looked normal.

It looks like it will be like that this time, too. The tech did go ahead and cut the nose out of this new one and he said he'd cut the chin out some, too. I had to wear it for at least 5 minutes yesterday while they got everything aligned through x-rays and such. It was especially tight over my left cheek and chin, and I wore the indentations for the next 3 hours.

I also got quite burned on my neck the first time and had to take a week off. I would appreciate extra prayers during this time. I'm due to start Monday, Sept. 22, unless they call me to come on in next week. I will only be getting the radiation this time to the area where the tumor was removed on my neck by my left clavicle.

(I've enclosed a couple of pictures below of my first mask to give you an idea of what I'm in for this time, too. After I lie down on the table, they fit the mask exactly over me as it was molded and then clamp it to the table with the white peg clamps you see on the side.)

The Lord is good

2008-09-05T21:18:00.003-05:00

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him." Nahum 1:7 (NIV)
I saw my surgeon on Tuesday, and all is well. I will see my radiologist next Friday to set up my radiation schedule. I had my Erbitux treatment yesterday. My oncologist at first leaned toward 8 weeks of Erbitux again to enhance the radiation. He asked me what I thought. I told him I'd do what I had to do but that wasn't my choice. He said there was nothing scientific to go by...that we had been working out of the box anyway. He suggested we could do a treatment again in 3 weeks and 3 weeks after that, then returning to the monthly treatments...or keep on doing it monthly. I told him I was okay with 3 weeks. That, at least, gave me a break. He said that sounded like a good plan to him. With my treatment yesterday and the two in the next 6 weeks that would give my radiation treatments a boost. I'm very pleased with that decision. I was so not looking forward to 8 more straight weeks of the Erbitux. I expect the radiation treatments will be 5 days a week for 5 weeks. I'll know more about that next Friday.

As I started up the car this morning to go to work, what should be playing on the radio...
Voice of Truth...God is so timely.

He Cares For Me

2008-08-28T19:49:00.008-05:00

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

I'm doing very well after my surgery last Thursday. It turned out to be a very long day. We left about 6:30 a.m. to get to Birmingham as I was on the lineup at 11:00 and was supposed to be there by 10:30. After getting in a pre-op room and getting preliminaries going, we were informed that my surgery would be about 2:00 p.m. About 2:00 we were informed it would be more like 4:00. My doctor's surgeries before me had turned out to be quite involved and took longer than expected.

I had exceptionally good anesthesiologists this time. The first one that saw me in pre-op asked all kinds of questions and assured me they would give me the right medications to keep me from being nauseated afterwards (which they have done for me in all of my surgeries at St. Vincent's in Birmingham). Then, by the time they took me into the holding room at 4:00 I had a different anesthesiologist. He, too, asked a lot of questions. He said he might have to leave before my surgery was finished, but another doctor would take over. I got to meet that doctor before surgery, too, and he asked the same questions. So I was confident that whoever was administering the anesthesia knew my needs very well. The second dr. came in about 4:30 to give me something in my IV and said I probably wouldn't remember anything from then on. He was right. I don't remember anything after he gave that to me until I was waking up in recovery.

While in recovery they couldn't find a room for me. The only place available was in MICU (Medical Intensive Care Unit). My surgeon didn't want them to put me there so they found a room on the 6th floor. Then they decided they might need that for the orthopedic patient and put me in MICU anyway. MICU is very strict about their visiting hours. So my husband wasn't allowed to stay with me indefinitely and had to wait till 9:30 the next morning. That didn't go over too well, but, hey, he adjusted...right?!

MICU was another experience. There I was being treated like I really needed to be in MICU until we told them that I'm really not supposed to be there...please feel free to take care of your more needy patients. I did have a very good nurse on duty during the night. She checked on me often. I didn't get awakened by nurses coming in to take vital signs. No, not in MICU. They have you all hooked up to do it automatically. You think you lose sleep/rest with nurses coming in to take your vitals????? (Not to mention they don't close doors to patients' rooms, they sit right outside your room and you hear them talking about everything ALL NIGHT, and, too often, you hear them respond to Code Blues...which thankfully got cancelled each time I heard it...but you hear them go into action until it is cancelled.)

Anyway, I'm doing well. I'll go back to B'ham for my post-op appointment with my surgeon on Tuesday. I'll resume the monthly Erbitux treatments on Thursday. We'll find out next week when radiation treatments will begin. I haven't heard back from my surgeon. I guess he's waiting to see me Tuesday since we pretty much already knew what it was. He said it was in my muscle and he "plucked" it out as not to cut the muscle. So I'm very thankful since I already know what that is like. Thank you for all of the encouragement so many of you have sent my way. It means tons.

*******************************************
Here is an updated list of my history. I carry a list with me now as it's hard to remember when filling out medical history at doctors' offices.
*SCC spread to neck muscle under tip of left clavicle, 8/08 surgery, radiation and continued monthly Erbitux
*SCC spread to neck and gum area, 12/07 surgery to remove 2 lumps in neck, one classified as a dead cancer, gum area-superficial, clean margins, 8 wks Erbitux, then long range monthly Erbitux treatments
*SCC spread through blood stream to knot in neck muscle, 5/07 surgery to remove knot involved removing muscle as well, no lymph nodes tested positive, 6 wks radiation & 8 wks Erbitux
*SCC spread to gum area, 12/06 surgery removing gum area & 2 more bottom molars, superficial and clean margins, no treatments
*SCC spread to lump in neck, 7/05 surgery, one lymph node tested positive, 6 wks radiation treatments to mouth and neck
*Squamous cell carcinoma spread to gum area, 1/05 surgery removing gum & 2 bottom molars, clean margins, no treatments
*Tongue cancer-SCC, 4/04 surgery, clean margins, no lymph nodes tested positive, no treatments
*Breast cancer, 11/2000 lumpectomy, clean margins, no lymph nodes tested positive, 6 wks radiation treatments

Another week, another day

2008-08-18T23:13:00.006-05:00

You know I've made it clear in my previous blogs that I don't have much faith in PET scans. I just had one in April and
"all was well". Well, I found out last week that I will be having surgery on Thursday to remove another place in my neck. It either comes up just that fast or it was way too small to detect in April. I don't know.

Anyway, after noticing something different for about 3 weeks in a different part of my neck, I got it checked out. I called my radiation oncologist's nurse last Monday. She asked me if I could come right in. I did. My dr. ordered a CT scan and I went right then for it. It was a contrast dye scan from neck to pelvis. The only thing that showed up as abnormal was the place in my neck. All else was normal. PTL

He had me return to his office as soon as I had the scan done. After he had pulled up the scan on his computer, he called me into his office to show it to me. He said it definitely looked like a lymph node was involved. He called my surgeon in B'ham and talked to him as I sat in his office. It was pretty neat to hear him explaining to him in their medical terms exactly where it was, and..."When can you see her this week?" My surgeon said Friday at 11, but he, also, wanted me to have an ultrasound guided needle biopsy. So I had that done on Tuesday. I got the results on Thursday that it was consistent with squamous cell carcinoma like I have had in my mouth and neck. After seeing my surgeon on Friday, I am on the line-up at 11:00 a.m. on Thursday to have surgery in B'ham. We will leave early that morning, and I will stay overnight as I always have.

It is the consensus of both of my doctors to start radiation on this area about 3 weeks after surgery. It is in a place that has not been radiated before. All of my previous tumors have been on the right side of my mouth and neck. This one is actually on the left. It is just at the bottom of my throat in the center where the two collarbones can be felt. It is like behind the tip of the left clavicle. I will most likely continue with the Erbitux treatments, but I will have to see my medical oncologist to see what he thinks.

I anticipate God's faithfulness in showing His full and complete sovereignty in yet another trial He has allowed. Thank you for your continued support and prayers. I will most certainly share with you whatever my God shares with me. You know, God working in our lives is what we need to hear from each other to give the hope and encouragement of a living God. I would love to hear from you.

An Actual Word of Praise

2008-07-31T20:50:00.003-05:00

Tuesday we went to Birmingham for my regularly scheduled check-up with my surgeon, Dr. H. My check-up was fine other than having a place removed from the side of my tongue that had gotten bigger. I wasn't overly concerned as it was similar to one he removed earlier this year that was benign. I just didn't like that it was getting bigger. His office called me about 5:15 yesterday to tell me that it was plasia, a benign growth like the other one. What good news to receive...and it only took about 24 hours to find out!!...and I don't have to go back for 3 months!!! Hopefully, I will then be telling you about the good news from my regularly scheduled appointment!!

Wordle of Praise

2008-07-29T11:04:00.006-05:00

Voice of Truth

2008-07-22T21:58:00.002-05:00

Courtesy of wordle

A Touch of Faith

2008-07-22T19:40:00.003-05:00

...the title of my Henry Blackaby devotional on Saturday.
"Jesus said, "Who touched Me?" When all denied it, Peter and those with him said, "Master the multitudes throng and press You, and You say, 'Who touched Me?'" Luke 8:45
If you feel overwhelmed by what God has called you to do or, like the hemorrhaging woman, by the circumstances in your life, be encouraged. God will respond as you reach out in faith to touch Him. He will empower you and heal you, and you will see miracles happen in your life.

Reaching out, touching Him in faith and anticipating God's response of miracles in my life and in the lives of those close to me.

Miracles

2008-07-19T20:20:00.003-05:00

Miracles was the title of my Henry Blackaby devotional a couple of days ago. He was talking about the miracle the children of Israel experienced when they crossed the Jordan on dry ground (Joshua 3). Verse 15 explains that normally, being the time of harvest, the banks overflowed. He stated in the devotional: "God works His wonders and miracles for people of faith. Realize that your faith in God is not something you declare; faith is what God grants you, and faith is brought to life through action. Saying you believe is commendable, but the people who step out in faith are the ones who see miracles."

Thank you, God, for granting faith to me. Continue to show me how to step out in faith, which is bringing it to life by my actions.

Tribute to Tony Snow

2008-07-12T11:17:00.010-05:00

I just learned when I logged onto my homepage that Tony Snow passed away during the night of colon cancer. Tony Snow was a man of great integrity, a man who walked with God, a man whose hope was in God...no matter what might lie ahead. I shared in a previous blog an article that he wrote, Cancer's Unexpected Blessings . I wanted to bring that up again as a tribute to what a great Christian man Tony Snow was. He is now with his Lord and Saviour with a new body, free from the ravages of cancer.

I had the opportunity to send him an email through a link with many others about a year ago while he was still serving as Press Secretary for the White House. It was a link for those to let him know they were praying for him after he had just had another cancerous growth removed. I received the following email from him that I'm sure he sent to all who had contacted him:

THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington

Thanks so much for the kind note - and for including me in your thoughts and prayers.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you thinking of me and raising my name in prayer. Prayers have enormous power. They're good medicine - and they certainly have lifted my spirits. I feel as if I have been borne on the shoulders of thousands of friends, all of whom have made the ride easier than I ever could have imagined.

We're blessed to live in a land where people just want an excuse to do something good for someone else. Thanks for taking advantage of that opportunity with me. Please encourage others to do it closer to home for other friends in need. Kind words, notes, emails, and small gestures have a way of lightening the load, while making our own lives richer and more rewarding.

Again, thanks for the incredible gift of caring.

God bless,
TONY SNOW

“You want to make every pundit look bad? Then stand tall for what you believe. Don’t be shy. You want to stun the establishment? Then become a mighty force for conservative principles, and tackle the task with confidence and cheer... This may be a time of testing. But it’s not our swan song. Not by a long shot. Instead... this is our moment. This is the time to do what we do best—turn adversity into strength.” —the late Tony Snow, former White House Press Secretary
Dear God, you've received one of your choice servants unto Yourself this day. God, raise up and give us more men of such Christian integrity in our government and media as this one, Tony Snow.

Update

2008-06-03T23:10:00.003-05:00

I saw my surgeon today in Birmingham for my check-up. I told him the place on my neck hasn't changed. He felt it and said it felt like it was just sitting there. He said he was okay with it just sitting there. We are, too...rather that than showing any change.

I'm trying to get over a yeast infection in my mouth, though. It flared up really bad after treating a sinus infection with a couple of antibiotics. The prescription for the yeast infection (or thrush) cleared it up after about 3 days (though, I continued to finish the medicine as directed), but then it came back...so I've been treating it for about 3 1/2 weeks with a couple of prescriptions. When I saw my radiation doctor on Friday for my checkup with him, he gave me a prescription for something different to try. My B'ham doctor agreed. So, hopefully, this will do the job. My radiation dr. said it's probably an ongoing thing because of my immune system being so low. That explains why my tongue looked so normal after the first 3 days on the medicine. It hasn't looked normal in 2 1/2 years since I had radiation to my mouth, so I've probably been dealing with this all this time and nobody said anything. It explains why my mouth has been so sore and sensitive at times since I'm feeling the same thing right now.

I finished the 8 weeks of Erbitux and have had my first monthly treatment. Most of the symptoms have cleared up and it doesn't look like I will have them so bad with just having monthly treatments. It is nice to have 3-4 weeks between them.
That's all for now.