Monday, April 19, 2010

Faith is Living

We went for my surgery follow-up appointment to Birmingham today to get my stitches removed. I had not talked with the doctor since the day we went home from the hospital on April 7th. Surgery went well on April 6th. The tumor was in the muscle so the dr. had to take some of the muscle, too. Though, it wasn't as much as he had to take before on the right side, it still has affected my range of motion for my left arm, too. I'll try the therapy exercises I've done for the right side to keep the shoulder muscles loose so they won't tighten up even more.

The doctor told me today that the cancer was in the muscle which means it traveled there through the blood stream. He removed 11 lymph nodes and they were all clear. He said I'm what they would call an enigma--not a textbook case. (Enigma-something hard to understand or explain; perplexing, puzzling situation--actually, I've stumped all 3 of my cancer drs) He said they can't go to the textbook and find what to do about my case. He advised continuing the monthly Erbitux. He'll schedule a repeat MRI for mid-June to check the BB size spot on the right side. I'll see him afterwards, unless I start feeling something there before then.

As we were coming home, I got out my iPod and started listening to my music. I'm especially enjoying the music of John Waller right now. His song Faith Is Living especially ministered to me. Some of the lyrics:

I wish I could see just three steps in front of me
But the lamp unto my feet
it only moves when I take a step
and believe Your word to me
Lord, You have a history
that proves You're worthy of my faith

You are who you say You are
And You will do what You promised to
And I believe,
That's faith.

Its the evidence of things I cannot see
and faith--its the confidence that You are holding me
It's stepping out, It's breaking through
All my doubts and all I thought I knew
'cause you've never lived until you live by faith

you've never lived until you've lived by faith
you've never lived until you've trusted grace
you've never lived until you lay it all down
so come and live...
Faith is living. (John Waller)

After hearing that song again (for the umpteenth time), it just helped to ground me.This journey that God has me on is all about by faith, trusting grace. I'm obviously not going to know what lies ahead for me. If it's complete healing, we'll see. But if it's not, God wants me to trust him moment by moment and keep myself attuned to how He wants me to respond to what comes my way. I pray I will hear and see His direction so I can fully be used in this particular plan He has mapped out for this child to follow.

I read these passages from a Max Lucado email devotion after my surgery, Dashed Hopes:

I had made preparations to build it. But God said to me, “You shall not build a house for My name because you are a man of war and have shed blood.… Your son Solomon is the one who shall build My house and My courts.” (1 Chronicles 28:2–3, 6 NASB, emphasis mine)

Yet, the LORD, the God of Israel, chose me from all the house of my father to be king over Israel forever. For He has chosen Judah to be a leader; and in the house of Judah, my father’s house, and among the sons of my father He took pleasure in me to make me king over all Israel.” (1 Chronicles 28:4 NASB, emphasis mine)
David's "but God" became a "yet God".
I can put myself in the place as this devotional ends:
Who's to say mine won't become the same?
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9, NIV