Reminder to self

What Cancer Cannot Take From You

It cannot take away your Faith,

shatter your Hope,

or lessen your Love.

It cannot destroy true Friendship,

invade the Soul,

or take away Eternal Life.

It cannot conquer the Spirit.

                                                         Given to me by Jacob, 12-25-04

SHE-RO

That's the name my high school prayer partners have given my daughter. That is a very applicable name for her. She has been a trooper this year in fighting breast cancer. She spent 8 months doing chemo. She then had breast surgery on Thursday. She is doing amazingly well after surgery. Her spirit of hope and victory is contagious to all who she touches/reaches. I spent several days with her and her family to help however I could during this time. She was doing so well that I got to come home today. I was listening to my iPod music coming home and this song came on. It took on a whole new meaning to me to hear Matthew West singing the words, "We are survivors!" Who would have ever dreamed we would both one day consider ourselves breast cancer survivors! But we are! We are!

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…” Ephesians 3:20 (NIV)

A new direction--breakthrough?

When I saw the PA after my last surgery (July 1), she told me about a clinical trial the Head and Neck Division at UAB is doing with  a medicine not ever used for head and neck cancer patients. It is for patients who have had recurring tumors and radiation is no longer an option. It is a pill, Tarceva, taken once a day for a year. I told her I'd like to talk it over with my local oncologist. I told her I was already on Erbitux, and she said he might not want me to change. The next Monday the research nurse called to ask me if I would be interested in being a part of the clinical trial. I told her I'd be seeing my oncologist in 2 weeks, and I'd like to talk it over with him. She said she would send me the information about it so I could look over it and share it with him.

I fully expected I'd be getting my Erbitux treatment when I saw him 2 weeks later. I gave the information to his assistant so he could look over it before seeing me. He was very much in favor of me doing the clinical trial. He has four lung cancer patients who have been using the drug long term. He knows all the doctors at UAB involved in the study. This clinical trial is Phase II of the study. He said that meant they had to have had positive findings in Phase I of the study to move on to Phase II. He encouraged me to participate. He said I could be on the breaking edge of something new. He said he would be glad to assist in whatever way he could.

I sent the papers and a note to the research nurse and she called me when she got them. She said I would have to come for an initial appointment to get set up and sign the papers with her. She said that since it was UAB's study, only they could monitor me. So she set me up for an appointment to see Dr. M again. We went to Birmingham on Tuesday, August 23. She said she had contacted my local oncologist, and he had sent a note agreeing for me to take this course of treatment.

I had the initial blood work and the chest x-ray, but they had to wait for one other report. When the dr. was examining my mouth he saw a small ulcer on the area that is now a part of my tongue. It was actually where my top molars were resting. I had not even noticed it. I was more concerned about what felt like a lump on the left side of my neck. So I was not expecting to hear that he wanted to do a biopsy on something in my mouth. I then told him about the lump on my neck. After examining me he told me it was not a lump or a lymph node but part of my neck's anatomy. The look on my face must have said, "You're going to have to do better than that." So he went and got a model of the neck to show me what I/he was feeling. He even had me feel the same area on his neck. I was then okay with what he was telling me...though the 'lump' has only gone down to feeling normal to me in the last day or two. Anyway, the nurse contacted me last Monday to let me know the biopsy was negative for cancer! Also, the blood work and chest x-ray were fine. So she would have the Tarceva pills in the mail to me.
I started the Tarceva on Thursday, September 1. On Sunday I had fatigue and was achy like when I had Erbitux treatments. The same kind of rash started on my face over the weekend, too. I am also using Nystatin for thrush in my mouth. I'm really thinking that is a reaction to the Tarceva though it is not a common side effect. So, hopefully, just things I've dealt with before.

I didn't know when I'd finish another post, but this devotional today about a breakthrough seemed most timely. I couldn't find a direct link to the devotional without posting the whole thing here and it's kinda long.

It used Isaiah 64:1 - "Oh, that You would rend the heavens! That You would come down! That the mountains might shake at Your Presence…"  It included this part in a prayer from Carolyn Baker: Why is it, My Father, that so many people are presently sitting on the edge of a great victory – a great breakthrough - and don’t even know it? I suppose part of it is because You rarely do what we expect You to do – so we are not looking for it! Your victory often looks unlike what we thought it would. We are, as humans, skeptical all too often. This gives us a worldly mind set – not a heavenly mind-set. Therein lies our confusions. You are first in my life - and because of that, You have often rewarded me with a greater wisdom and understanding. All along my path You have shared your insights with me – continually reminding me that breakthrough was at hand.

Whether I 'deserve' it or not, He keeps reminding me :)

We can do it!

I'm Gonna Love You Through It - Martina McBride

Listen and trust

I've been following a CaringBridge.org blog for almost a year. It is about a young man that our family knows from homeschooling and church for most of his life. He no longer lives in our town but in North Carolina with his wife, Liz, and their two children, Sawyer and Bennett. His wife is the blogger. Here is her introduction to her blog and a link:

Brian Sanders: Brian is a devoted husband and loving father who became critically ill on September 18, 2010. He spent 52 days in ICU and 3 weeks in a rehab hospital in Charlotte before returning home, where he faces a long road to recovery. He is learning to cope with the loss of his vision, and continues to work to regain his memory.  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/briansanders

It is heart wrenching at times to read about the hurdles they are trying to get across. However, Liz makes it clear where her strength and determination are based. She is an inspiration to me and, I'm sure, to all who follow this journey along with them.

Her post for August 13th was especially profound for me. Simple, yet so full of truth that I need to remember to apply to my own situations. I asked permission if I could share it with you, and she has graciously given her permission. I hope it blesses you as much as it has me.  Please take time to follow the link to her blog posts over this past year, and pray for them as you feel led. Thank you.

Bennett turned one today. Our little guy certainly started his life under turbulent circumstances, but he is the poster-boy for the resiliency of young children. He is the picture of health and happiness. His smile lights up the room, his giggles melt away the stress of even the hardest days, and his slobbery kisses are pure sugar. Happy birthday, baby boy. Mommy and daddy love you up to the moon and back.

Brian sat next to Bennett’s highchair as Bennett enjoyed his very first taste of cake. He had a chocolate birthday cake with peanut butter frosting, and his sister was kind enough to “help” him eat it. Brian reached over to Bennett and smeared frosting on his face, so Sawyer and I dabbed a little frosting on Brian’s nose. Shortly thereafter, there sat both of my boys: side by side, faces kissed with frosting, grinning from ear to ear.

To start the day, Sawyer and I enjoyed a Saturday morning ritual: mommy/daughter breakfast at Chick-Fil-A. This tradition began over a year ago, when she was waking up at 5:30 or 6 each morning. I started taking her out to give Brian a chance to sleep later on Saturdays. Although we have clocked hundreds of hours at Chick-Fil-A over the years, today was a first: Sawyer got stuck at the top of the play place. There are different levels to climb on and tunnels to crawl through, many of which lead back to the entrance to an enclosed spiral slide. Once she climbed to the very top, she looked around and couldn’t figure out where to go next. Even when she sat on the edge of the platform, she couldn’t touch the next step with her toes. I tried to coax her down several times, but to no avail. It didn’t matter if the next step was only a few inches from her feet. She couldn’t see it, so she wasn’t jumping. It was a very long 10 minutes. Finally, she let out a big sigh and teared up. “Mommy, I’m afraid.”

I tried so hard to help her understand, but the more she fought my instructions the more anxious she became. I was asking her to drop down to a step she couldn’t see. Talk about a leap of faith! I took a deep breath, made eye contact with her, and simply said:

~Listen to my voice.~I know you’re scared, but I am here to help you.
~I can see where you are going, and where you will land.
~You just have to trust me.

Not long after that, I heard a very determined little voice say, “ok, mommy, I will”. And she did. She pushed off from the net, she slid down on her belly, and she dropped a few inches to the step below her. Success! She crawled through the tunnel, slid down the slide, and emerged from the tunnel slide ready to go again! (No ma’am! .... mommy needs a minute to recover before you can try that again...)

As I stood in the play area, it occurred to me that I am stuck, too. Maybe not at the top of the Chick-Fil-A play place, but certainly stuck in a place where I am scared. Stuck in a situation I can’t get out of. Stuck in a situation where I can’t see the next step, let alone the next 50 steps. And the harder I struggle to fix it on my own, the more frightened and alone I become. If I am quiet, and if I seek the Lord with all my heart, I will hear:

~Listen to my voice.
~I know you’re scared, but I am here to help you.
~I can see where you are going, and where you will land.
~You just have to trust me.

Trusting that He knows what is ahead is a difficult choice, but in this case it is the only thing that will work. I can’t do this on my own. I can’t figure my way out, I can’t search for an alternative exit, and I can’t have someone else do it for me. I just need to seek the Lord. Listen to His words. Trust that they are true. And be obedient.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

2 Corinthians 4:17

Here is an excerpt from the April 2011 issue of Homelife. God had especially brought 2 Corinthians 4:17 to my attention a few days ago. Then I found this magazine today. I was reading it while waiting to be pre-admitted for my surgery in March (not knowing that that surgery would begin a chain of events for the next 4 months). I  remembered I saved it for a reason. This is why:

     Since that fateful day in 2006, I've witnessed all of the good that has come of tragedy, and I'm beginning to recognize why it was necessary. The flashing sign INCLEMENT WEATHER. NO UNNECESSARY TRAVEL was not a word of admonition; it was a word of instruction. God was teaching me His wisdom for living the Christian life. I cracked the code: Trials are necessary to accomplish God's higher purposes. This is for my good and His glory.
     Although these days the world appears to be out of control and seems utterly chaotic, know that there is a God with a perfect order to things, a God who does everything out of love to produce something better in us. The pain we experience is the principle consequence of living in a fallen and flawed world. But God's redemptive promise is that, one day, He will remove evil and suffering from this world, after accomplishing a greater, eternal good.
     The Bible tells us in Matthew 5:45 that God causes His sunlight to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. Regardless of the climate today or the forecast tomorrow. keep the faith. Muster the strength to pray:
     Dear God, whether or not You choose to change my circumstances, I will trust in You still. And Lord, whether or not You call on me to suffer a little longer, I will worship You even still, for You embodied 'suffering well' for my sake. Either way, Lord, I know that You are in control. Not my will, but Yours be done. In Jesus' name, Amen.
     Perhaps you're currently facing the buffeting tempests of a job loss, a financial crisis, a startling medical diagnosis, or personal tragedy. As believers, we don't have to linger in the dark storms of life, waiting for the ominous shadows to pass. We walk in the assurance of God's redemptive plan because we're covered by the ultimate umbrella of protection: Jesus Christ. Second Corinthians 4:17 reminds us, "For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory."
     Whether you're grieving a natural disaster, mourning our disordered universe, or weeping over misfortunes of your own making, don't allow your current trial to blot out the light. Look toward the Son, and you will find refuge in Christ alone during life's fiercest storms.
Weathering the Storms of Life - Casey Ewen Avenriep (Read her full personal story here.)

Still My God

Courage

Please read the latest post written by my daughter on her blog: Finishing

God never ceases to amaze me at the ways He lets us know He's there.

Good report

I am so glad to be able to share that we got a good report today. My surgeon had told us that he would be on vacation this week, and I would see his physician's assistant. She was able to tell us that the biopsies from surgery last week all came back with clean margins. No cancer found! We were so relieved and so thankful. I've learned to not put God in a box. I wanted to believe we'd get the good news. I also know that we didn't hear what we expected after my last two surgeries. I know God can do whatever He wants to do, and He will always be faithful through the circumstances. We are so thankful He chose to give us good news today! Since the report was good I was released from this surgeon. I'll soon make an appointment to see my primary surgeon in Birmingham in the next few months. Though I will still be making trips to Birmingham, it is "back to normal". Normal in this context is a good thing :)

Edited to add: It's Scary to Be Us - Beth Moore

Step by Step

Oh, God, You are my God, and I will ever praise You,
Oh, God, You are my God, and I will ever praise You.
I will seek You in the morning, and I will learn to walk in Your ways,
And step by step You'll lead me, and I will follow You all of my days.
"Sometimes by Step" by Rich Mullins
Sung by Brooke Fraser Ligertwood

We just got home from Birmingham. This was one of the songs I listened to on our way back. Brooke Fraser songs just lift my spirit at just the right moment.

Surgery went well. I was told to be at the hospital at 8:00 a.m. on Friday morning. My surgery was about 12-12:30. Don't know exactly when. I just know I was present in the operating room before it started ;)  Recovery wasn't a great experience due to a not so attentive nurse. I'll just leave it at that. (I didn't have to have a feeding tube this time. I know pain meds will be my friend for the next few days, though.) 

The Dynasplint did its work once again. The doctor basically did the very same surgery as before to get deeper margins all around this time. They weren't able to do a quick test in surgery. I still have inflamed tissue that needs to fully heal from the surgery on May 27th, and the results of a quick test wouldn't have been reliable.

I should, hopefully, find out the results of the pathology report on Thursday when we go back to Birmingham for my follow-up appointment. Please pray that we get a good report. The doctor said he felt good about the surgery, but he's now done everything he can do robotically.

This was my devotional from Jesus Calling on Monday: "Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey. I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn't bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you.
I am with you, watching over you wherever you go. Psalm 143:8; Genesis 28:15

One thing I do know. My God is sovereign.

No Matter What

Well recovery has been a challenge. My body seemed to majorly rebel at being on a completely liquid diet. The fact that the antibiotic prescribed for me when I left the hospital was way too strong for me sure didn’t help. After just 3 doses, I knew I was going to have to worry about becoming dehydrated whether on a feeding tube or not. I stopped the antibiotic but dealt with the after effects for a couple of days. About the time that was starting to get better, I realized I had thrush in my mouth. The body was telling me to never take that particular antibiotic again! Tylenol continued to be helpful in keeping any pain under control but my mouth was very sore from the thrush.

We went back to Birmingham on Thursday for my follow-up appointment. My doctor had some not so good news. During surgery the pathologist had checked the borders the doctor removed and all seemed clear. However, when they did the more concise dissection of the tumor after surgery there were some cancer cells at the very bottom of the tumor. The doctor said we could trust the quick test done during surgery or he could go back in and remove another layer from the base to make sure no cells were left. He left the choice up to me. Of course, I told him I wanted to make sure there was none left. He said he was glad I made that decision because he could do it July 1. He wants me to have time to heal from the surgery I just had, and he will do it robotically again. I will have to use the Dynasplint again. By not eating by mouth for a week and with the tube hindering what I could get to my mouth, my jaw has gotten tight again. Actually, tighter than it was when I first started using the splint. I started back today with a lesser tension and only 2 minutes. I will have more time to build up gradually this time. The doctor also prescribed medication to stop the bad effects of the antibiotic on my body.

So on June 30th we will go back to Birmingham to let him do this procedure on July 1. (We said he really must like doing surgery on holiday weekends!) The nice thing about this time is I won’t have to have a feeding tube. He said I probably didn’t need it the first time as he was going by his experience with other patients. The speech pathologist actually came in the afternoon after my surgery and did a swallow test with water. She said I did very well. My doctor said I’ve probably learned to adapt well to changes in my mouth because of my previous oral surgeries. That may be so, but right now I’m ready for my mouth to not be sore and my jaw to loosen up so it’s not a chore to eat. I hope that my mouth will soon feel better from the thrush and the Dyansplint will again do its job!

Here’s a song I listened to on our trip to see my primary Birmingham doctor in March. I thought it was right on. Little did I know how right on it was until we were on our way home with a big decision to make. I had a lot of questions running through my mind, but the words that stopped the questions I had no answers for were “I trust You”…no matter what.